My mother, part deux

My mom and I haven't always had the best relationship, but we're on pretty solid ground these days. I posted about her seeing my 302.83 tattoo here, and was surprised to get an e-mail on the same subject a few days ago. I think I like that, in our relationship as it is now, we can bring up and talk about awkward moments. But this is most in-depth I've ever gone with my mother about my sex life, kinky or not. And... well, it's a tad awkward.

Her first email was very sweet, actually. She's honest and open about how she feels about "my masochism," and asks "what that diagnosis means to you?" It was hesitant, if supportive, and I do appreciate her delicacy. As if she's acknowledging this as not only important to me, but a subject we both need to be careful talking about, with each other, lest it get... unnecessarily awkward.

It's refreshing, in a way, to have somebody I love who's so outside of my kink world actually ask about it. Actually want to know about it. As if she's saying "this freaks me out a little, but I love you, and I want to know about you." I feel really supported.

All of that said, I haven't actually talked about it much, and my mom, bless her heart, is trying to... identify, I think, a little too much. Here's a paragraph out of the second e-mail she sent me, after I'd replied to the first:

"I know talking about sex with your mom is tricky. I understand. I am curious but if not, I understand. Proud of masochism is hard to get my brain/heart around. I have always been sad about my own masochism and one of the reason I left your dad was because of his sadism(though not sexual). So, hope that is not saying too much. I don't take the word disorder very seriously...I am open...I am always interested in knowing you and love you much and... respect your privacy also. I value how much I learn from you too."

And I mean, wow, that's amazing. That's amazingly supportive and respectful, and yet true to her own feelings. That is an incredible response to get from a parent about kink.

We're using the terms "masochism" and "sadism" pretty differently, and that's where the over-identifying comes in. It makes me bristle in an automatic way, which is both an honest emotional response, as well as vaguely inappropriate, because I know she's saying what she's saying with really good intentions. Nonetheless, I end up wanting to stamp my feet and say "No, mom, YOU don't underSTAND!" Which is not to say that I don't think she will in the future, just that... well, take the sentence about masochism:

"I have always been sad about my own masochism."

I don't think we're talking about the same masochism. As for my father, he may have been violent and very angry at times (the jury's still out on that first one; I wrote my undergraduate thesis about it, actually), but he wasn't a sadist. My Dad didn't enjoy causing pain, and my Mom didn't enjoy experiencing pain. I think my Dad probably hurt my Mom, and my Mom probably endured a lot of pain in their marriage. But I wrote her back, and tried to clear it up a little, without being confrontational. As much as I have that initially bristled reaction, I know that's not where she's coming from.

So I explained, briefly:

"As for the other stuff, I'm not sure we're using the words "masochism" and "sadism" in the same way. As in, I don't think Dad is a sadist; not anywhere close. And I don't mean that as defensive - it never seemed to me that you were a masochist either. Causing hurt, being in hurtful relationships; that isn't Sadomasochism, by the definitions me and my community use. That's abuse, that's really terrible, but it's unrelated to what we do. 

By my definitions, masochism is enjoying pain, or wanting pain, reveling in the experience of pain, etc. Sadism is the enjoyment or desire to cause pain, reveling in the causing pain. Simply experiencing pain, or causing pain, don't qualify as masochism or sadism. And not all pain is enjoyable to me. Say, stubbing my toe? That's still a crappy experience. Burning myself on the oven while baking? Ouch, bummer. 

But other kinds of pain - and I don't know how specific you're comfortable with me getting (I'm good with talking about anything, but I want to be cautious of your boundaries - are wonderful. And, most of the time, pain is a turn-on for me. So... that's sort of an overview of what that 'diagnosis' means to me."

And I guess that's sort of it, for now. She's on vacation for a week, and I'm out of town after that, so we'll see where the conversation picks back up. But mostly, I think this post is meaning to say:

I talked to my mother about kink and it wasn't terrible!

Which is worthy a post all on it's own, I think.