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| reading is sexy... especially under run lights backstage |
The first time I read it, I wasn't really reading it to learn how to be polyamorous, or about poly (I was curious, but I didn't have a how-to goal in mind). This time, although I don't think Sir and I will be running out to orgies or anything, I think I'm coming at it with more of that attitude. With a more practical attitude.
I'm a little uncomfortable writing that, actually.
I've always had a really strong desire to be poly, but for pretty strange reasons. Or maybe it's more accurate to say, I've always wanted to learn some of the things I feel like poly people learn, when they are polyamorous. The regular reasons are still there, I think, but they're not the driving force. Do I find lots of people attractive? Yes. Do I think sex with more than one person at a time is hot? You betcha. But those aren't the reasons I find myself reading The Ethical Slut again, or the reasons why Sir and I get into conversations about open relationships.
I think, at the core of it, I'm trying to learn how to love (and be sexual) with certain people without attachment. And not attachment in the healthy, people-get-attached-to-other-people-because-we're-human way. In the "I don't have an identity when you're not around" way. Or, "I don't know what my life/sexuality/attractiveness/beauty means other than how it relates to you." Not only do I think that's not healthy, but I think it's not sustainable.
I want to understand how to be in love, so in love, with my partner, and not feel really terrible about myself when I hear him say "Wow, she's hot," or "Yeah, she's fucking amazing." I think part of me feeling that way, right now, comes from a bit of a rocky patch in my sex life/romantic life (busy schedules, not a lot of time, not great communication on both our parts, etc.). But part of it comes from this deeply ingrained concept of romance, or love: the idea that wanting/being attracted too (and by extension, kissing/being close with/having sex with) someone else means that he no longer wants any of those things with me.
And that's simply not true.
Sir and I have had a couple of hot dates with a mutual friend of ours. Two, to be exact. Because of all of our schedules (again, busy lives, busy times), they were very far apart. The first was amazing. It was hot and steamy and giggly and adorable and sexy and fun. I didn't feel even a hint of strangeness, or jealousy, or regret. The second was a little different. Still hot, still fun, but I had some serious hang ups about it, especially afterwards.
I think I feel jealousy differently than other people. Or maybe I don't have enough ego to feel actual jealousy; my self-esteem doesn't let me get that far. The second time we fooled around with our friend, I started to feel small. I started to feel worthless, and I started to feel cold and distant. I probably should have voiced these things more articulately than I did, but nothing happened that I wasn't comfortable with. I just wish that some of the things that happened were more fun, without all the rest, like the last time.
Because in the end, that's all I want, really. I want to be able to explore and have fun and push myself and live the stories in my head without all this darkness around it. Or at least, a better way of dealing with the darkness, a more complete understanding of where it's coming from.
When I feel (or see, or hear) my partner being attracted/sexual with someone else, I don't feel the need to pull them back to me. I don't feel possessive and I don't feel wronged. I just feel scared, and I feel like I need to get out of the way. And I don't know where that comes from, and I really hate it. The morning after we fooled around with our friend (who ended up staying over, which probably wasn't the best idea, simply because we hadn't talked about it, and I didn't voice the boundaries that I needed to), I had to leave before either of them. I ended up stopping on the bridge over the river and getting off my bike, because I couldn't breath, because I was so sad, and so scared. I sobbed into the river for a few minutes, got my breathing under control, collected myself, and went to work. I don't know what a panic attack is, but that's the closest I think I've ever come to it.
And what is that? What am I scared of? I really want to figure out the answers to those questions.
Partly, this is because I'm pretty naturally exploratory with my emotional self. And partly, I think it's because I believe certain things about love, the love that I have for my partner, the love that he has for me. If that love can't operate in a world in which we're attracted to other people; or rather, if an attraction to other people undermines that love so easily, and to such a destructive degree - that's not a love with a good foundation. I'm not loving with a good foundation. I want to change that. I want to change my own attitudes about that.
This was a more rambly, journal-ish post that usual. I suppose that's the way it goes, when you [I] have all the feelings. Ohhhh, feeelings.
Bruised (and getting to the happy) as always,
The Good Girl
You consistently astound/inspire me with your emotional bravery.
ReplyDeletethis makes so much sense to me, too. I think that the way you experience jealousy is also the way I do... or maybe more people do, too. I'm never fiesty and outspoken and like "get away from him/her!! they're mine!" I just feel small, small inside and like being in a body that takes up the amount of space that another person does isn't right. But letting your/my/anyone's self worth rely on how someone you care about reacts to another person is ultimately all about how we ourselves feel about who we are and our self worth. When someone is showing me love, I feel amazing and confidant, regardless of whether or not it's romantic/sexual. But if I think of it this way: a professor complimented one of my classmates on his work and told him that he has a lot of potential in design. After class, I walked back to my room with my eyes glued to the ground and silently broke down. This professor isn't very big on compliments, and to hear her compliment someone who doesn't care about design when I would die for just a little encouragement killed me.
ReplyDeleteSo... I just rambled about this. Anyway, the point is that my jealousy never manifests itself as feeling entitled, it shows up to make me feel like I'm useless/worthless/small/out of place.
BUT self-worth is just that... you/me/everyone have to feel worthy all on our own, without anyone's approval/attention. And I'm still getting there, but I work on it and pay attention to my feelings and therapize myself every goddamn day to do it. and it's getting better. But for the record, you aren't alone, i'm not alone, and we're all worthy... we just have to get to a place where we believe it.