This is your vagina; this is your vagina on drugs.

Vagina news! You thought this was a sexy blog, didn't you? NOPE! Let's talk about my genitals some more instead!

Had the appointment with the vaguely specialized OBGYN on Monday, and super awesome for me, it's probably not Lichen Planus! Or Lichen Sclerosis! Or any of those other diseases who's side affects are frightening noun-verbs like "scarring" and "closure."

So, before anything else:

SUPER HURRAY SUPER (PROBABLY) SUPER!

There's still a probably in there, because (as like all the other times I've been to the lady doctor), they don't know what exactly is wrong. So, it could still be those things, but mostly, it's probably not. Yippee!

I got to the office slightly late, and very damp (like, dripping on my sign-in forms damp), due to a little mix-up of me forgetting where the fuck my appointment was and going to other of their offices first, being told at their other offices that I needed to go to the other other offices, and then sprinting to a car2go to get to the other other offices (it's situations like these that really reinforce my always-fifteen-minutes-early policy). The nurse was nice, if brief, and the doctor was great. I forget her name, but she looked like someone straight out of my childhood - long dark hair, Berkeley hippie-mom clogs, dorky spectacle glasses, etc. It's absolutely superficial, but I was more at ease for her style choices.

So, we talked. It's always fun to watch a doctor's face when I start to talk unabashedly (happily, even), about my genitalia. Yes, I will use the right words for my anatomy, and no, I will not blush when I say them. It's my damn anatomy. My favorite exchange (after we'd been talking about symptoms and possible diagnosis for a while):

MD: And, with some women, they consider a vestibulectomy, which can help, but also sometimes causes more problems than it solves.

ME: Yeah, and, you know, I like my vestibule. I'd like to keep it around.

MD: Exactly!

ME/MD: (genuine laughter).

So, talking was great, and then she poked around and speculumed and squeezed my ovaries from the inside (which is always so strange and a little bit cool). She took a swab and they did a wet prep, which I'd actually never had done before (it's when they look at your discharge/fluid right there in the office, under a microscope, as opposed to sending it away for tests). I didn't have yeast, and everything looked normal. I wasn't having symptoms that day, but based on my description, she thinks it's some kind of skin issue (and not necessarily discharge related). Which makes sense to me.

They prescribed me a steroid cream, which I have to use in very careful, very small doses, for short periods of time, otherwise it's going to aggravate the problem (too much usage too frequently can thin the skin, causing cracks, etc. I'm not sure exactly how it works in the first place, but I'm going to do some V Book reading later). If symptoms come up again, and I can get in to see them quickly, they might do a biopsy. Which is... a super unpleasant procedure that includes nouns and verbs like "injection," "needle," and "punch-tool." So, I'm maybe not going to talk about/psych myself up for that until I have to.

Fast forward a few days, and right on time (just before my period), some symptoms came along. So, deep breath, unscrew the cap, and onto my vulva the steroids went. So far, I can't really tell if they're helping or hurting (it's better now, a few days later, but I'm not sure if that's cream-related or not). But that's sort of beside the point. In case you missed it, I'll say it again:

I got prescribed steroids. To put on my VAGINA.

So, on this holiday weekend of Thanksgiving, here's to you, legally doped up vulvovaginal area. May you be better, faster stronger:

drawn on a cocktail napkin by yours truly (it's not supposed to be frowning - that's my clitoris. or roid rage. who knows).