Thursday, August 23

Fifty Shades of This Sucks: Onward and Upward! (part two)

"Hey baby, can I get your number? Also, sign this will ya?"
Oh man. Oh man oh man oh man.

Chapter Five - Mr. Grey Mansplains

At the end of chapter four, Ana passed out in Mr. Grey's arms after being rescued from her "over-amorous" (because that's sexual assault, right? just a little too much lovin') friend, José. At the opening of chapter five, she wakes up, in her underwear, in Mr. Grey's bed.

He comes into her room after knocking (but not waiting for her to answer), gives her repeated commands (she actually calls them "commands," and finds this oooh-so-sexy) to eat or drink, and walks in on her a second time as she's hopping out of bed and into the shower. My favorite part of this romantic morning, however, is when he guilts her about how she got there in the first place:
"Did you undress me?" I whisper.
"Yes." He quirks an eyebrow at me as I blush furiously.
"We didn't --" I whisper, my mouth drying in mortified horror as I can't complete the question. I stare at my hands.
"Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive," he says dryly.
...
I didn't ask for him to come and get me. Somehow I've been made to feel like the villain of this piece.
"You didn't have to track me down with whatever James Bond gadgetry you're developing for the highest bidder," I snap.
"First, the technology to track cell phones is available over the internet. Second, my company does not invest or manufacture any kind of surveillance devices. And third, if I hadn't come to get you, you'd probably be waking up in the photographer's bed, and from what I can remember, you weren't overly enthused hi, pressing his suit," he says acidly.
It's important this women are sentient and receptive when they have sex, but not when he takes their clothes off or comes into their rooms; cool, got it! And of course, because he "saved" her, he's entitled to squash her hysterical little emotions with his Cool Rational Man Logic. Thanks for clearing that up, Mr. Grey!

For the rest of the chapter they "flirt," have breakfast, and make plans to meet up that evening to he can take her Seattle and show her his place. Oh, and he kisses her, all kinky-forceful style, in the elevator, without asking her permission or caring much about her reactions. Awesome.

Chapter Six - Creepy Sex Mansions Come Complete with Helipads

Mr. Grey drives Ana home, where she meets Kate, who has, incidentally, slept with Christian Grey's brother, Elliot. Katie is flouncy and "melting," and this is seen as an accomplishment by Christian's charismatic older brother: "Kate just melts. I've never seen her melt before - the words 'comely' and 'compliant' come to mind. Compliant Kate. Boy, Elliot must be good." Because the sign that a woman has had a happy, sexually fulfilling night is that she loses are her bad-ass, take-no-crap agency, right? It's a man's job to conquer those silly notions of female independence. Is she still awe-inspiring, Ana?

Ana goes to work, thinks about Mr. Grey all day, and then drives with him to his helicopter to fly to Seattle. He straps her into her seat, kisses her, and whispers "I like this harness." Yeah, because that's appropriate for someone you've spent a couple days with and discussed nothing of kink with whatsoever.

They fly to Seattle, land at his über-chic downtown mansion, and talk consent as they land. On his Helipad. While she's strapped into a harness. In his Helicopter. At the mansion where she's never been with a man she barely knows.
"You don't have to do anything you don't to do. You know that, don't you?" His tone is so earnest, desperate even, his eyes impassioned.
"I never do anything I didn't want to do, Christian." And as I say the words, I don't quite feel their conviction, because at this moment in time, I'd probably do anything for this man seated beside me. But this does the trick. He's mollified.
Tip number one: Don't talk about consent after you've helicoptered an almost perfect-stranger-girl to your mansion.
Tip number two: If you have feelings of doubt about your consent, LISTEN TO THEM, THOSE ARE RED FLAGS. Are you intimidated by his house, by the fact that you're literally strapped in while you're having this conversation? THAT IS NOT SEXY, THAT IS MANIPULATIVE.
Tip number three: If you don't feel totally comfortable with respecting your own limits or maintaining your own consent boundaries, it is your responsibility to tell your partner that. It is not sexy. It is not coy. It is not hot. It is gross and manipulative. He is not "mollified," he's unaware of your decision making process.

But it's okay, they try again later. After he's showed her his lavish, expansive mansion apartment, complete with fully-equipped play room and basically 24/7 contract. Wait, what?

Chapter Seven - I'm Gonna 'Splain Some More, K? K.

Ana stares in awe at the expansive play room, asking after some time if Mr. Grey is a sadist, to which he replies "I"m a Dominant." Capital D, did you get that? Silly girl, I'll make sure you understand. What does being a Dominant mean, you might ask?

"'It means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me, in all things."

Well, no, Mr. Grey. That could describe a 24/7 TPE relationship, and that's how some people deal with power exchange. But they generally don't bring it up on a second date. With a woman they've just met.

Ana has a rare moment of brilliance, when faced with all this information, where she asks:

"Okay, what do I get out of this?"
He shrugs and looks almost apologetic.
"Me," he says simply.

WRONG FUCKING ANSWER. I mean, yes, she gets him; partners get each other, that's cool. But the whole thing (including the contract - but we'll get to that in a minute) is set up as a weird sacrificial ultimatum. Ana does all these crazy weird kinky things (which she'll no doubt "grow to love," I'm sure), and in exchange, she gets to be in the presence of the ever-enticing Mr. Grey.

What about her pleasure? Is she a masochist? Does she like power exchange? Is there going to be any discussion of what a submissive role might offer her, as a person? (Examples: self-worth, purpose, growth, insight, self-awareness, peace. Or, those are some of the things it offers me, anyway). But no. It's all just to beeeeee with Meeesssster Grrreeeey. Vomit.

So, in the next logical step, he busts out a contract, which outlines what she'll eat, when she'll eat, when she'll exercise, what she'll wear, who she'll have sex with and how she'll keep her body hair. Anastasia has some misgivings throughout the chapter ("... I know I'm going to say yes. And part of me doesn't want to."), but listens to none of them. Once again, her hesitation, her meek nature, her reluctance - it's all supposed to be sexy. And I get that; inner conflict, catharsis, giving in to your more base natures; sure. BUT YOU'RE NEGOTIATING A 24/7 CONTRACT WITH SOMEONE YOU BARELY KNOW, YOU HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WITH S/M, AND YOU'RE A VIRGIN. Fucking listen to yourself, girlfriend.

Quaintly enough, Mr. Grey's contract comes with a list of his hard limits (they're what you'd expect - none of the edge plays, no children, no dead people), and he asks Ana what hers might be. She says she doesn't know (which is a totally great answer), and he presses her, asking what she's done in bed before that she liked or didn't like. Which is when she tells him she's a virgin. Which is when he flips the fuck out.

So, she's new. To all of it. And the reason he didn't know this is because they've known each other for like four fucking days, so that's pretty reasonable. It's also reasonable that she wouldn't know any of her limits, not even really knowing what the word "limit" means yet, but Mr. Grey has his contract, all's fair save those pesky hard limits - quick, Ana, figure out what yours are!

What bothers me most about this is the idea that her being a virgin, and not having no knowledge of BDSM, is the deal breaker. As if kinky sex is some sort of graduate school version of regular sex, and the speed and recklessness of this exchange would have all been okay if someone had penetrated her a few times. New flash: power exchange is it's own beast, and sure, having had sex before might help, but it doesn't mean you get to skip actual negotiation and communicating about kink.

Chapter Eight - This Is What Virginity Looks Like

Mr. Grey decides he's going to fix Ana's little virginity problem that night. You might think I'm hyperbolizing there. Maybe a little. What he actually says is:

"Come," he murmers.
"What?"
"We're going to rectify the situation right now."
"What d you mean? What situation?"
"You situation. Ana, I'm going to make love to you, now."

Christian has previously informed us that he doesn't "make love," he only "fucks, and fucks hard." But he's making an exception for Ana, so much so that he dismisses the aforementioned contract, telling her "Forget about he rules. Forget about all those details for tonight. I want you." Quick, baby, don't think about your limits or boundaries anymore! Just give in to yourself, and my desire! We gotta de-sex you pronto!

I understand James probably meant this to be more of a "Forget about the kinky shit, we gotta get you outta virgin land vanilla-style first" kind of thing, but it still ticks another notch into the continuing themes of Bad Consent throughout the book thus far. Have doubts? Ignore 'em. Have instincts to push away? Nahhhh, you're gonna like it. Those rules we talked about, that were so important to me? Psssht, this is special baby, we'll break 'em, just this once...

The words "just this once," rarely imply anything that would fall under RACK or SSC guidelines.

So, they have sex. Big sexy sexy.

Somewhere before any orgasms (and oh yes, there are several) but after her clothes come off, Mr. Grey asks Ana to show him "how she pleasures herself." Which is actually, props to James, a good question to ask. Ana confesses to him that she has never masturbated. Ditching the surreality for the second, this is supposed to be sexy to us. Not only is Ana meek, submissive by nature, and virginal, but she's extra-super-never-orgasmed virginal. This is gonna be the most awesome de-flowering ever, brah.

And it is. Preposterously so. Not only does Ana say almost nothing throughout the entire encounter, but she doesn't do anything either; Mr. Grey does all the talking, and takes all the initiative every step of the way. This is, I guess, supposed to be submissive, but as one of my favorite internet friends pointed out, submissive DOES NOT MEAN passive or non-communicative. In spite of barely participating, showing zero agency, and having never done anything besides kiss someone in her life, Ana orgasms, three times. The first of these times if from nipple stimulation. Did you catch that? Yup. Nipple stimulation. I was actually surprised to see the stats on this - Wikipedia sites one study claiming 29% of women can orgasm this way. But women who've anything sexual in their lives? I doubt it.

The second two are from penetration alone. All are at the command of Mr. Grey (although there's been no discussion of orgasm control boundaries), because, you know, that's how that works.

At the end of the chapter, we see Mr. Grey playing the piano alone, brooding. Ana coaxes him back to bed, where she's dismayed to find a stain on the sheets. Because it wouldn't be a proper de-flowering without Virgin Blood, right? Oh, and I forget: nipple orgasms.

The one positive thing about the sex? They use protection, and talk about. Of course, Mr. Grey flawlessly and sexily puts the condom on, both times. He supplies them, he asks about them (or rather, he asks if she's on the pill, and then, disappointedly, pulls them out of the bedside table), and there's never a mishap. Yup.

*

Off to read some more. I'll leave with the Subconscious Blotter and Prizes for Worst Sentence.

"I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she's doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skit at the thought of being his." - p. 67
"Don't lie to yourself - my subconscious yells at me - it'll have to be pretty damned bad to have you running for the hills." p. 74
"My very small inner goddess sways a gentle victory samba" - p. 78
(when it's happy, it becomes her "inner goddess." and does the samba, evidently).
"You know very well what you're doing here, my subconscious sneers at me." p. 94
"My subconscious is staring in awe." p. 95

To summarize, the things Ana's subconscious can do include: yell, stare, sneer, dance the hula, wear hula skirts, turn into a goddess, and dance the samba. I'm starting to like her subconscious more than I like her, I think.

Worst sentence runner up! (as they enter the mansion):

"... I turn and glance around this vast room. 'Room' is the wrong word. It's not a room  - it's a mission statement." p. 94 (And praytell, Anastasia, what does that mission statement say, exactly?)

Worst sentence winner! (in reaction to the bountiful breakfast he presents her with in the hotel):

"'That's very profligate of you,' I murmur."

Nobody uses the word profligate, and if they do, they certainly don't murmur it.

Until next time.

Wednesday, August 22

Why Fifty Shades of Grey is Utter Bullshit, part one of many

Awww, wook at da wittle cuffffffsss!

There's a lot of about how the new hit is bad. And it is, for a lot of reasons. Arguing that the writing is terrible is a common theme, but an obvious one, and... well, nobody's fighting anybody on that point. It's terrible, terrible writing. We can all be in agreement.

I know this, first hand, because I'm reading it. Oh. God. Am. I. Reading. It. Having arguments about why the book is bad, I inevitably get the question, "Well, have you actually read it?" So I will, but if I'm going to submit myself to this (HA! PUN FUCKING INTENDED!), I'm going to tear it apart while I do.


Even writing this right now I can feel the bad writing seeping in. Like just the act of reading it is making me, as a writer, worse. More trite, more cliche, and those two things mean the same thing and BY GOD LOOK AT THAT IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING.

Okay. Without further ado, the next few (maybe several?) posts will be a chapter-by-chapter analysis of why this book is bad, abusive, anti-feminist, blithering bullshit.


Chapter One - The Meek Shall Inherit the Asshole Millionaires

The book opens with our main character, Anastasia Steele (and if that isn't a porn name, I don't know what is) scrutinizing her appearance in the mirror. The third sentence of the book is a killer - depicting really low self-esteem coupled with a seemingly uncontrollable obsession with how she looks at the expense of more worthwhile pursuits:
"I should be studying for my final exams, which are next week, yet here I am trying to brush my hair into submission."
No to mention (if you know the book has a kinky bent to begin with) the terrible wordplay with "submission."

Anastasia goes to interview Mr. Grey at his office. She's characterized as nervous, clumsy, stuttering, and utterly out of control of anything around her. On top of all of this, these are things she really, really dislikes about herself.

All of Mr. Grey's employee's are sexualized and judged on their appearance. They're either blonde and beautiful (Ana is both intimidated and in awe of this), or nervous and skittish, similar to how Ana sees herself. She gets through the interview, despite actually falling in through the doors, asking inappropriate questions, and dropping her recorder. More so than any of this, it's all characterized as amusing, or endearing, to Mr. Grey:
"... I become increasingly embarrassed and flustered. When I pluck up the courage to look at him, he's watching me, one hand relaxed in his lap and the other cupping his chin and trailing his long index finger across his lips. I think he's trying to suppress a smile."
Lather, rinse, repeat throughout the rest of the interview. She screws up, beats herself up for internally, and he finds it cute, or doesn't care. This is unbelievably attractive to her.

*

Chapter Two - Harassment in the Workplace, or, Rope Enthusiast Don't Usually Measure in Yards

Ana obsesses over Mr. Grey, trying to forget him, but dreaming of him every night. The theme of her vs. her subconscious starts to emerge, the forever-entertaining-no-matter-how-overdone internal conflict. So now, we've got Ana lacking agency with her physical self, with those around her (see below), and with her emotional self. Her subconscious talks to her, she blushes without warning at anything. It's not just Mr. Grey who controls her, but the Internal Subconscious Demon as well. Scary! (no really, it is).

Ana has never been sexual with anyone, never held anyone's hand, never kissed anyone, and she's repulsed by her own sexuality: "Okay - I like him. There, I've admitted it to myself." As if it's somehow not okay to be attracted to someone, even the verb, to "admit," tells us that her sexuality is something she's supposed to resist, or better yet, that it's sexy when she resists feeling sexual. I don't think I need to explain why that's problematic.

So, Mr. Grey comes to visit Ana at work. She is conveniently employed at a hardware store, where he buys rope, cable ties, and masking tape. Hilarious, because he asks for "five yards," of rope, and I've never heard any of my kinkster compatriots measure their rope stock in yards (yeah, it's a tiny point, whatever). Also - masking tape? Both ineffective and unsexy, but okay. He hits on her, flirts with her, all in the workplace. He's controlling, cold, and distant when she shows physical affection for male friends, and this hyper-possessiveness, although they've barely met, is somehow a turn-on for her.

We're left with another image of the naive (read: stupid and incapable of functioning in the world) Anastasia, complete with bad simile: "I bite my lip in anticipation and find myself grinning like a schoolgirl."


*

Chapter Three - Lack of Consent and Weak Female Characters! Weee!

Ana and her best friend, Kate, set up a photo shoot with Mr. Grey (these photographs are going along with the article Kate has written, with the interview Ana did, about Mr. Grey, for the school paper). Plot points out of the way? Cool. On to assault and lack of consent.

Point of normalizing lack of agency or consent in women, #1: Ana gets asked out on a date by her co-worker; she says no, after which she informs us: "Whenever he comes home he asks me on a date, and I always say no. It's a ritual." Because expressing your disinterest and having it ignored, time after time, is cute, right?

Point of normalizing lack of agency or consent in women, #2: Ana goes out to coffee with Mr. Grey post-photo shoot (during which he pulls the hyper-possessive with regards to other dudes thing, again), but only after he asks, she says she shouldn't, he asks again, she says she has to drive her friends home, and so he goes ahead and tells his driver to take them home instead, without asking her. During this exchange, Kate pulls Ana aside to tell her that Mr. Grey gives her a weird vibe, that Kate doesn't trust him, and that he seems dangerous. She actually says this: "He's gorgeous, I agree, but I think he's dangerous."

Ana has known Kate for four years, and they're roommates, and she completely ignores this warning.

On a serious note - I'm not trying to condemn her for ignoring her friend. I know a lot of very smart, great women who've been warned about stuff and gone ahead with it anyway. But James paints Ana's ignorance as sexy, daring, and, again, a cute naivete. Bleh.

During the coffee date, Mr. Grey asks about the men in Anna's life, whether or not she's dating any of them, and repeatedly gives her direct order to do things (with no pre-negotiated talk of that kind of behavior). At the end of the chapter, he saves her from a wayward bicyclist (because it's Portland!)

We get a fine example of further the female (beep boop!) inability to take care of oneself with Ana's mother: "She [Ana's mother] has Bob now. I just hope he can keep an eye on her and pick up the pieces when her harebrained schemes don't go as planned."

Kate, the only strong female character in the book, is remarkable in her mere ability to stand up for herself and be a person: "She shakes his hand firmly without batting an eyelid... She doesn't take any crap. I am in awe of her."

*

Chapter Four - Sexual Assault is Totally Hot Right Now

So, Ana is totally obsessed with Mr. Grey, and he seems into her too. Even though they've spent a total of about twenty minutes together. He inexplicably leaves, however, after their coffee date, doing this weird push-pull with whether or not he's interested in her. She tries not to think of him, but damn that pesky Internal Subconscious Demon. She finished her final exams, goes out drinking with friends, and shenanigans of the really gross rapey kind type ensue.

(A brief caveat: this woman is twenty one, living in Portland, and has a) never been kissed, b) never been sexually attracted to anyone, and c) never had a drop of alcohol in her life. If these were her own choices, I'm all for it, but they're painted (once again) as endearing naivete, aspects of a girl who just happened to fall into the purest, most innocent lifestyle possible. Mmmk).

Ana ends up drinking too much at the bar and drunk dials Mr. Grey. After asking him why she sent him some (very expensive, slightly creepily-noted) books, he decides he's very worried about her, because she's clearly been drinking. He asks how she's getting home. He wants to know which bar she's drinking at.

Dude, calm down. Lady is getting her party on.

But nope. Women can't take care of themselves - haven't we already learned that? Sheesh.

So, Mr. Grey does what any normal billionaire would do. He tracks her cell phone and shows up. And good thing he did, too! Because at that very moment, Ana was getting sexually assaulted by her best friend! The exchange goes as follows:
"José, I'm okay. I've got this." I try to push him away rather feebly.
"Ana please," he whispers, and now he's holding me in his arms, pulling me close.
"José, what are you doing?"
"You know I like you Ana, please."
"No, José, stop - no." I push him, but he's a wall of hard muscle, and I cannot shift him. His hand has lsippe dinto my hair, and he's holding my head in place.
"Please Ana, cariño," he whispers against my lips.
I feel panickedy, drunk, out of control. The feeling is suffocating.
And just then, Mr. Grey shows up to save her! Now, I get this this is painted as a creepy encounter, and it's good that Ana gets out of it. But she doesn't do it herself, and the only reason she *isn't* raped by her friend is because another controlling creepy dude shows up. This is evidence by the next exchange, when Ana, once again, tries to push a guy away, and he doesn't listen:
"He has one arm around my shoulders - the other is holding my hair... I try awkwardly to push him away, but I vomit again... and again."
*

Moral of the story so far? Women have no control, unless they do, in which case they're awe inspiring because someone of their gender acts like a person. No doesn't mean no. No doesn't mean anything (and if you're saying to yourself, "Yeah, but she doesn't actually say 'no' to some of these," then I'd encourage you to check out the "No is Disfavored" piece on Yes Mean Yes). Men get their way with you, sometimes it's when you like it, sometimes it's when you don't, but it doesn't really matter, because you don't have any agency! Yay!

And that's enough for now. I'll leave you with The Cliché Blotter, and prizes for Worst Sentence.

"I hit the pedal to the metal" - p. 4 (I think the verb you want there, James, is "push")
"Double crap - me and my two left feet!" p. 7
"Pay peanuts for rent" p. 18
"Blow-by-blow account" p. 18
"My legs are suddenly the consistency of Jell-O" p. 25
"grinning like a schoolgirl" p. 31
"my stomach full of butterflies" p.40
"Two can play at this game" p. 46
"Kate has the constitution of an Ox" p.56
"She's dancing her ass off" p. 64

Worst Sentence Runner Up (after she's spent a total of about an hour with Mr. Grey):

"Mourning something that never was - my dashed hopes my dashed dreams, and my soured expectations." p. 51


Worst Sentence Winner! (after Mr. Grey leaves the hardware store):

"He smiles, the strides with renewed purpose out of the store, slinging the plastic bag over his shoulder, leaving me a quivering mass of female hormones." p. 31

Tuesday, August 21

The Hook and the Line (more porny porn)


There's a lot of talk around the kinky communities about how FSOG sucks. And I agree; it totally does. But instead of nattering about it, I'm trying my hand at some better, healthier erotica, negotiation and aftercare included. I'm not sure if this is porn, a short story, or what. Knowing how I usually roll, it's probably somewhere in between.

And with that, enjoy!



The Hook and the Line

This part was not the sexy part. There had been some who, in the past, had tried to make it sexy; inviting her over, offering her a glass of wine, or meeting at the back of a quiet bar. Sort of like a first date, complete with chitter chatter and a friendly squabble over the tab. She shifted in her seat, a strip of skin on her thighs catching against the hot metal of the chair, the rest slipping around under her skirt. She twirled a pen in her hand, dropped it, picked it up again.

He’d brought checklists, and she appreciated the lack of romanticism in it, although he’d presented them shyly, after much excusing of the idea of a checklist in the first place. They sat quietly, filled them out. Most of it she already knew, hearsay through the grapevine, friends of friends, but it was important to be explicit. He’d gone to get her a very complicated coffee, come back with it balanced precarious in both hands. They pushed the papers across to each other, both of their eyes intent on the information, intent on getting through the awkward parts.

“So.”

“Yup. Mine is... pretty straightforward, I think.”

“Yeah. Seems like we line up well.”

“Yeah.” She smiled, although she’d been trying not to. There was a flirtation about negotiation that bothered her. Somehow, if this part was enjoyable, it wasn’t serious enough. She smiled again anyway.

“I don’t have a cane, but...” He stared at the paper, his hands shaking a little.

“I do. If you’ve never used one, I can show you some things beforehand, we can go slow. Or not...”

“No, no I have. I just... don’t have my own.” He brushed his hair back from his face, and she watched him, look past to the hairs he missed, sticking to the sweat on his forehead, past his dark brows and into the dark eyes.

“Ummm, a couple questions, if that’s alright?”

“Sure. Of course.”

“You’ve got “No” next to name calling. Which is totally awesome. I just want to be clear - specific things, or...? Everything?”

“Pretty much everything.” She stared into her coffee, light caramel drizzle across the top sinking into the foam, little craters and valleys, sugar eating away at sugar.

“If we play more, we talk about it. But there are a few... well, a lot, really, that... get me to a bad place. I’d prefer if, at first, we just lay off everything.”

“That sounds great. And thanks for telling me.”

“No problem.”

She looked down at the long list, again, trying to find anything she’d missed, anything that could get them into bad mojo territory.

He’d had experience with floggers, with rope, and with electrical play. He’d trained on the hitty things she liked, canes and whips, had a small collection of his own stuff, and an apartment in the industrial part of town, which meant fewer neighbors and better themed arquitecture. He was single, and his STD paperwork checked out. She had a copy of his drivers license and a phone call set up before and afterward, to a friend, just to be sure, the same friend same friend who’d reccomended him through a friend of their friend. Seemed like it always went that way, in these communities, no matter what city she was in. Just enough extra information that actually meeting and playing and having sex with someone through the internet didn’t seem as rash. She knew it wasn’t anymore; knew plenty of friends who’d met, and even married, that way. But she still never shook the feeling of anonymity there, never felt quite safe enough. It felt better this way, when it started from a real world connection. An in person connection. In the flesh.

“So. I’ve gotta get back...” He mumbled a little, under his breath, and stood up.

“Right! Yes, right.” This was a lunch date, she remembered suddenly, his lunch break.

“So, I’ll see you on Saturday.” 

“Yup. Eight?”

“Eight sounds great.” He ran his fingers through his hair one more time, like something out of a teenage sitcom, and a few drops of sweat landed on the table, sinking and spreading in the unfinished wood. She liked it.

“See you.” She folded the paperwork into her purse, and sat and sipped at sugar, watching him walk back up the block, pleated suit pants over what proved to be a very nice ass indeed.

*

Dan Paterson was his name, and he worked with a guy who was a friend of her friend Marci, from back home. She was traveling on business, a strange city, but she was here long enough that somebody to play with, while it wasn’t a requirement, was a serious perk. It had been a long time brewing in her, and it took a long time after it bubbled up to admit that, with eyes downcast and shaking a little, she was better in all the parts of her life when she was playing with someone. The little ache of the bruises as she put on the skirt in the morning, sitting in a meeting and wondering if anyone questioned why she, in the middle of summer, still wore thin, long sleeved blouses every day. Even the memories of a recent encounter, slipping unbidden, into her head. Sitting at her desk, she’d remember herself, the image in a place so different, in a body so different, than the one sitting demurely in the office, typing or answering a phone or explaining a spreadsheet to a balding, bored businessman. She shivered when it happened a little, as if with a physical shaking she’d bring the disparate parts of her life a little closer. Although it must be, she thought, just how far away they were that brought her to shiver in the first place.

And so she made the effort, now, to play on a regular basis. To find men like Dan, in cities like this one.

In her hotel room, Saturday. She pulled a black suitcase from under the bed, almost identical to the one already open, sitting on the chair, in the corner. One suitcase for business attire, the other for fetish. It was standard, the room, what she always had on trips like these, tiny variations from city to city. She wondered if there were conventions for this, the vaguely bland but never boring aesthetic of The Four Star Hotel. They probably had meetings about carpet color, about room size and pricing.

She pulled the zipper of the suitcase open, flipped open the top, and mused over corsets, stocking, underwear in lace and mesh. She held up stockings, checking for runs. The painting on the wall above her bed showed a man pulling at a fishing pole, balance precarious on the edge of small row boat. It was actually a good painting, she thought, as she rolled one black thigh high and then the other over her legs, still warm and slightly damp from the shower. Good light, good choice of frame. She pulled a bra with sheer cups and black underwire over her shoulders, feeling the fabric slip across her nipples and the straps settle on the bones of her shoulder. He looked like he was really trying for the fish, fighting, yes, but also trying to come to an agreement with it. His brow was knotted, but thoughtful. Fish, I’m going to catch you, she imagined him thinking. Maybe throw you back, but the act of catching, that’s not what’s going to kill you. Give it up.

She laid her shoes on the bed and moved to the bathroom, settling a red and black corset loosley around her middle. It was a constant debate, to corset or not to corset. Wearing one, the disadvantages were obvious; less skin exposed, a more complicated and arguably less sexy process if it were to be removed. But wearing one she felt a little straighter, a little more in her body. Like a little bit of containment, just for her, from the get go. Which didn’t make the act of tight-lacing oneself in a hotel bathroom any easier, but she’d been here before.

She put on makeup, mostly eye makeup, mostly cheap, bad eye makeup that she’d experimented with and searched to find over the years. Which eyeliner will smudge just right, which mascara will bleed and run without hurting her eyes. Good pain good, bad pain bad. She slipped her stilletthos over her stockinged feet, an almost inaudible shush of the fine mesh against the satin lining. Over everything, her regular trench coat, covered collar bone to knee. She checked her key card, her wallet, her phone. She texted Marci to let her know she was leaving. And she shut the door behind her, a faux-gold lock clicking in the thin wooden door.

*

The steps to his apartment were metal with chipping paint, little flakes floating down against the building as she clanged, step after step, up four flights. It was the kind of apartment, again, in young adult sitcoms, with enough space and an aesthetic to make an audience wonder how the starving artists ever afforded it. She was beginning to suspect that Dan, despite his obvious real-human status, was nothing more than a compilation of television tropes from her childhood. She took a deep breath on the landing, her stomach turning under the strapped leather and lace. She was nervous, and a little hungry, but it was always like that, right before.

She pressed a red manicured nail to the bell button, and waited.

The minutes ticked by, and nothing. He’d told her to ring once, those were the instructions, and so she stood, shivering from the cold, on the landing, on the grates that connected back to the brick, the brick that rested on great metal beams that formed the skeleton of the building. They portruded form the sides, under the windows, I-beams rusting at the corners. She rubbed her fingers together, imagining what tiny shards of those beams would feel like rolled in the delicate skin between pointer and thumb.

“Come in.”

She hadn’t heard the door open, and her breath caught in her throat as she looked at him. Without thinking, she walked forward.

He wore a simple black button down, and dark, clean jeans. The toes of his black boots shown in the candlelight. He shut the door and she watched as the flames shuddered, maybe fifty of them, from various perches and shelves around the place. Candles everywhere. He came up behind her and put a hand at the back of her neck, slipping his fingers to clench around the collar of her coat.

“I’ll take this.”

He hung it up, leaving her standing in her corset and stockings. Coming back to her, he put a hand on her waist and guided her to the low sofa at the back of the apartment, one big room, she realized now, a flicker of coherent thought coming through. She was sinking, she realized, in the gentle, delicate way she always sunk. Her movements became slower and softer, her eyes found the floor and her chin tilted downwards. As if a weight she hadn’t known she was carrying was, while still on her, beginning to shift, beginning to settle. She sat, knees together, hands in her lap.

“Very nice. You look very nice.” He sat on the coffee table, facing her.

“Thank you.”

The slap came fast, and his hand was back at his side before she had time to register what had happened. Her cheek buzzed with the force of it, a hum getting warmer as the impact sunk through layer after layer of skin.

“Thank you? Excuse me?”

“Thank you... Sir.”

“Good.” His voice was measured, almost quiet. The room didn’t echo, and as she sat, getting smaller by the second, she imagined a cloth, invisible, over the entire place. The sofa, the dark partitions between this space and kitchen, the bed, tucked away in the corner, and the chains that hung there, all coated in muffling dampener. His voice seemed to cut straight to her, straight to the middle of chest, and resonate in the bones there.

“Now. Are you ready?”

“Yes Sir.”

He took her hands, and his voice softened, just a little.

“Do you remember your words?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Recite them for me.”

“Colors, Sir.”

Another slap, gentler this time, a reminder.

“Recite them.”

“Yes Sir.” Her voice was fast and low, and full of breath. “Red, safeword, mean stop. If I am gagged or otherwise unable to speak, I will have an object to drop, which means stop. Yellow means I am close to a limit. A check in from you will two distinct squeezes of your hand to my hand. Two distinct squeezes back means I am alright, one long squeeze means I am not, and to stop.” She closed her mouth, her head racing, trying to find anything she’d missed.

“Very good.” He reached a hand under her chin, tilting her eyes up to meet him. Dark, deep eyes, flickering with the candles. “Very good. Now, breath.”

And she did, gasping in, knowing only then that she’d stopped at all.

*

The bed was soft and cool under knees. Her arms, above her head, were twined in tight, neat ropes, wound in triplicate or more with each pass. After the ropes and the rings, there were chains hung from a beam above the bed, the ends after the junction dangling down. She clung to them, cold at first and then the metal warmed in her hands, grasped at them through the sweat, through each thud of his hand.

He’d lead her there, hands on her hips, and kissed her all over her face, stopping to tap lightly on her jaw with his fingers. He watched her face as she arched, curving with the scrape of his nails on her back. He’d smiled at it, sinister, delighted. He’d told her to kneel at his feet, bent her body over the bed, and pulled up her thin black skirt to the line of her corset, bare ass exposed and twitching. And he’d spanked her, soft and then harder, a patient warm up.

He held the cane now, and how exactly she’d gotten here she didn’t know. He’d put her here slowly, with careful ropes and a few check ins. He was soft in it almost, not hesitant, but taking his time, as if to savor her. He’d kissed her again, after the spanking, and then taken off his shirt, somewhere along the way. It happened when she went deep like this, far and then farther under, so distant from the rest of her that the path there was unclear. It came down in bursts of three, and she counted, as instructed.

“Eleven.” Thwap.

“Twelve.” Thwap.

“Thirteen, Sir, thank you Sir.” She gasped, hands slipping on the chain, her body lurching forward, bare red ass exposed, hinting at the darker parts underneath.

He walked around the front of her, ran and hand over her face, ending with a clenched fist in her hair and yanking her eyes up to meet him.

“How many?”

“Thirteen, Sir.”

“Do you think thirteen is enough?”

“No Sir.”

“Me neither. But I think you’ll have to very good, very good, to get anymore.”

She whimpered, just a small whimper.

“Yes Sir.”

He put the cane down on a long table next to the bed, and moved toward her again. His hands were caloused, real skin there, smooth callouses from years of work, hard but not rough. They reach for her bra, pulling the delicate lacing aside and under, exposing her tits. He held her face with the other hand, and gently rubbed his thumb over a nipple.

“Do you want to be good for me?”

“Yes Sir.” She gasped, meeting his eyes, falling hard into them.

“Then you don’t move unless I say so. Is that understood?”

“Yes Sir.”

He slapped her face and pinched the round, pink button between his thumb and forefinger. Pain, so sharp and clean, shot through her breast and up into her head. That heady pain, on the edge of too much.

He reached up, and unhooked her arms from the chains. She stayed on her knees, hands above her head, arms held together still by the ropes.

“Go get the flogger. The red one, at the end. Don’t use your hands.”

She moved immediately, hands still above her head, arms straight as if held by a force upward. She walked on her knees to the egde of the bed, and swung her feet around to stand, unsteady on her heels. Her skirt fell a little over her ass, the curve of it and the sweat holding the fabric mostly up still, welts across it lined pink, deeper red pulsing along the center line of them.

She hobbled to the table, knelt, and took the handle of the flogger in her teeth. Still on her knees, she made her back to him, to where he still hadn’t moved, standing there watching her struggle.

He took the handle from between her lips, pink and wet and shining, and she missed the taste of it immediately, that damp leather smell. He lifted her, under her arms, and steered her away from the bed.

“Walk ahead of me. Don’t you dare put those arms down.”

And she did, held there, barely seeing what was in front of her. Put her arms down? Did arms go down? She couldn’t be sure.

Across from the bedroom space, in the opposite corner, was a simple, shining, black bench. It came her waist, and stretched out ahead with a space for her torso to lay. He bent her forward, and clipped her right ankle into a metal shackle. He slapped her thighs open, and paused, and rose up to look at her. She trembled, afraid of him, small and knowing what was coming next, looking for any, any way out of it.

“I was going to flog you. But I’ve noticed, it seems, that you’re wet.”

“Yes... yes sir.”

He lifted his hand just in front of her face, the one that had slapped her thigh. Moving close to her, he pushed his fingers passed her lips, and she tasted herself, a tang, the rough of his fingers grating into her tongue.

“You like this, don’t you?”

“Yes... yes Sir.”

“Then I suppose we’ll have that flogging after all.”

He bent down again, pushed her legs apart, and secured the second shackle on her ankle. He trailed the tips of leather up her legs, along the lips between her legs, leather flicking there, wet and swollen, and then up her back to brush lightly across her shoulders. He unlaced her corset carefully, whipping the string out of each eyelet, little stings all the way up. It feel to her feet, her back exposed, her underthings in a pile beneath her. And it wasn’t until the first strike that she cried out, opened her mouth and moaned, the sound quiet at first, and then louder, and then louder.

*

She hadn’t always met men like this, on trips like this. She hadn’t always been so careful to steer far and away from events in her local scene, to be aware of the calendar and where they were happening and at which bars, so that she could take care to avoid them. A shadow of the memory, the time before, flickered as the flogger came down again, and again, and again.

She’d met Mitch at her first munch. She was more outgoing than he’d seen a new submissive on the scene in a long time, or so he’d tell her later, wrapped up in his limbs, skin stinging from the sweat sinking into the welts. She’d played with him first in her own apartment, and then later at his, and then again and again until his apartment and her apartment were the same apartment. Four years they’d been together, moving into kinks and deeper into the scene than even he had, exploring together. She was his pet, his slut, his little girl. She was in love, and as it always does, the in-love made the falling-out that much harder, that much faster, with that much more brutal of a final meeting with the ground.

She watched the candles in Dan’s apartment, trying not to remember it, but it came unbidden, into her head. He picked up a second flogger, and was figure-eighting across her back, an almost uninterrupted pattern of stings and thuds. He paused to run a hand up the back of her knee, up her thigh, paused to slip between her legs and find her clit. She moaned, the first taste of a pleasurable sensation in what seemed like hours. He went lightly, gently, in slow motions through the slick of her, and she moaned again, and opened her eyes ever so slightly as it stopped. She looked through wet lashes; he’d moved in front of her, and she felt the tip of his cock on her mouth.

He kept it there, just against her mouth, and she imagined his view, looking down her back, red and sweating, her ass pushed up in the air, exposed, the top of her head just off the bench, at just the right height for this. He untied her arms, clipping one wrist to the bench along her side, how the cuff had gotten there she didn’t remember. He held the other wrist in his hand, and slowly pushed into her mouth. His cock pushed along her tongue, the head butting into the back of her throat, meeting the resistance there and pushing farther still until she gagged on him.

“Touch yourself.” He told her, and as he fucked her faced, slipped a ring of jingling bells into her tied hand. She pushed her arm underneath her, finding her wetness spread across the bench, finding the source of it.

Shudders ran up her thighs from the pressure of her own hand, harder now, and faster. He reached back and began to slap her ass, thrusting into her mouth while he hurt her, and still the thoughts of her past persisted, somewhere back there, beneath the sweat and the slap of their bodies. How it had ended, and ended badly. All she regretted from Mitch, from that world, and she hated it, that it could intrude like this, that it still had this power over her. All this, so complicated, brewing beneath it all.

Dan moved, her mouth suddenly empty, walking around to the back of her, running a hand over her ass and slapping hard. Her mouth gaping, hollow, she bit on her own lips, burying her face in the bench as she felt the head of his cock press against her wet slit.

He held it there, waiting.

“You want me to fuck you? Is that you want?”

She shuddered, arching back to him.

“Can you take it? Can you?” He ran the head over her lips in slow circles, teasing her, threatening to take her at any time.

She sputtered, gasping, wanting nothing else, knowing he was right, that she did want it, more than anything, to press back into him and feel herself full and pounded. Yes she wanted it. She wanted to live here, in this moment, not another, just here. Just here as a thing to be used, just here as a thing to pulse, to sweat, to swell, to burst in the fire of it.

“Yes Sir. Please Sir, yes Sir please Sir.”

She screamed as he entered her, the slaps coming in fast across her ass, the thrusts against her body melting through to her clit, to her hot, wet hole clenching around him. He pulled back, pushed into her, pulled back, and slapped her ass hard with an open, sweaty palm. The sting of a hit when wet, always worse than when it was dry; this she knew. This was home.

And with each slap, each thrust, she let a little more go. She let the chatter and the complicated mess of years long gone melt into her, out of her, the complicated questions of the future and worries about tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow burning away. She arched into him, bracing herself on the bench and the slaps grew harder. She cried, muffled spit into the padded leather under her face. She broke, him thrusting into her, broke and sobbed with each push, with each push asking for more, please more, yes please more.

“You like that?” He asked her, and there wasn’t a word she could give that could say how much.

“Yes Sir.” She gasped, feeling him filling her over and over again, the thumb of his free hand pressing into the pucker of her ass, a whole new place of muscles clenching, seizing in the belly of her. That was where she lived, and he knew it.

“Yeah you do. Tell me how much.” His voice shook with the thrusts into her.

She mumbled, incoherent, sputtering in her own spit, that yes, she loved it, yes, please more, yes Sir.

“Tell me, say it.”

She began to sob, raking her finger nails against the leather, as the slaps turned to punches.

“Tell me you like it.”

Sobbing from deep within her, falling in rhythm with his cock, the head pushing into to her, heaving out from her lungs, wailing like something mythical.

“I said, tell me you like it!”

The words came out of her mouth in spit and in cries.

“Yes, yes please, yes please Sir I like it Sir yes please Sir yes please,” she yelled as she came around him, as he let himself go inside of her, pulled him into her, throbbing the two of them, animals in their growling and their hunger satisfied.

The bells dropped gently from her hands. She hadn’t realized she was still holding them.  A wave, so sudden, the pleasure of her body still fresh and slick and sticky, and she began to shake. She closed her eyes. She shook as he stepped around her and held her head to look at her, but her eyes were shut tight, away from the world, turning somewhere deep and dark. He unclipped her hands, always keeping a hand on her, he pulled his pants up and buckled his belt.

“Are you okay? Marian...?”

She shook the whole bench now, trembling. But she’d warned him this would happen; that this is what it was like for her, afterwards. That thought was still there, a comfort, that he knew, at least on paper, this had been coming.

“Here, come here. I’ve got you. It’s okay. You’re safe here, I’ve got you.” He held her face to his shoulder, kneeling on the ground next to her. She tried to pull her feet up onto the bench, such a futile attempt, when this happened, of wanting to be infinitely smaller, of the physical attempts to close, to be the smallest possible thing.

He unclipped her feet, kept a hand on her back, stroked her hair so gently.

She couldn’t look at him, and couldn’t, hard as she tried, get her entire body onto the bench. She didn’t answer, kept her eyes shut, just get smaller. He picked her up, curled and rigid, and carried to the bed. He laid her softly down, and pulled the covers over, and wrapped himself around her as she cried into his chest, holding her close and hard.

She thought of Mitch, caught in a spiral of the last days, of the hours alone. She circled and circled and then, breathing shallow, fast breaths. She tried to breath deeper, but couldn’t. She pulled at him, this man with her there, clung to him, at once fighting against him and relieved in the fact that he held on. Like so many tipping boats, she swiveled around him, and he held on, held on to her through the sobs and the shaking, held on and held on.

“Let it go,” he was telling her. Dan was telling her.

“Let it go,” He said it over and over again, hushed, into her hair.

She gave up, letting it break across her. Hook in her mouth, pushing up to the surface, she opened her eyes.

She was aware of her skin, of her naked skin against the skin of the man holding her. Her thoughts floated, in and out of a mist, she couldn’t see one long enough to hold it, long enough for it to be a worry. She loved it here.

“Hey.” He put his hand under her chin, enough pressure to lift her face to look at him, but not to force it. She looked, happily.

“Hey,” she said.

“You okay?” He asked, arms around her, mess of sheets tangled between their feet.

“Yeah. Yeah, I think so,” she said.

And they giggled together, in the tangle of sheets.

Monday, August 20

A Great New (to me) Kinkster Blog: The Perverted Negress

Just read a great interview on race play by Mollena Williams on her blog, The Perverted Negress (you can find it here). The topic has come up quite a bit on SRSKink lately, and I've gotta say, I haven't thought that much about it until now. That's probably because I'm a white cis lady, and... well, based on my identity, I'm not thinking about it in as obvious or prevalent a way as I imagine many kinky POC would be.

I really, really feel like I don't have a place to talk about from, and maybe that's okay. The best I can do when presented with a viewpoint that I don't have direct, personal experience with, is read, read, read. A lot. Read a lot of stuff about it, and try to listen a lot. I have some initial ideas about what I think about race play, but I really don't think it's my place to... offer that. I think being an ally, a lot of the time, means stepping back.

So, on this particular topic, I'm going to do that. Race play, for me, is off the table, unless it comes up in another way. Meaning, it's not an issue I want to shy away from, by any means, but I feel like it's not something I should bring up either. Sort of like not bringing up sexism and misogyny, say, spontaneously in a group of women. Maybe wait until it comes up on it's own, and if/when it does, maybe learn how to listen more, and talk less.

All that said, the interview is thoughtful and funny, and definitely worth the read (like I said, reading = learning = having more of a basis to understand = how to be an ally without putting the onus of teaching into those who experience). I also appreciate that Williams offers dissenting viewpoints to her own, on her blog, when they're also thoughtful and well-written.

(Which is more than I can say for the mods of /r/feminism on Reddit right now, but that's neither here nor there).

And so, leave you with a few teasers, here are my favorite lines out of the Williams interview (but seriously, go read it for yourself; it's worth it)

"I'm saying that, if this intrigues you, think about why. And I am saying if it repulses you, think about why." 
"Sex is sexy. It is also sometimes fucked up. And that is also sexy."

Those two things, in conjunction, are all I really wanna do. Have sexy dirty fucked up sex, and then think about it a lot. Here's to kinkynerdsex, and all it's fucked up thinker participants. Fuckin' Aye Right.

Monday, August 13

I Have Herpes, part deux

I first cried about having herpes before I'd seen a doctor, and before I had any test results back. I was on a farm, a little ways outside of Dublin, Ireland, laying with my partner on our bed. I'd be uncomfortable the last couple of days, and it was a different kind of uncomfortable than I'd previously experienced with vulvovaginal distress. My clitoris hurt, and it hurt to pee, and I had painful, sort of itchy spots on my outer left labia. I hadn't looked in a mirror, because I hadn't brought one on the trip. I probably could have found one, but I'm not sure I wanted to look in a mirror.

I was scared, because it hurt differently. I was scared, because I was fed up and tired of having this part of my body be in such grief all the time. I was scared that my partner would think I'd broken the boundaries of our relationship, or even more, that I'd think he'd broken the boundaries of our relationship. I was scared because I thought I might have an STD.

We lay in bed, and he asked, in lieu of a mirror, if I'd like him to look.

This is something I have incredible difficulty with, even in the best of times. Want to touch me? Great. Oral? Awesome, let's dim the lights. Want to blind fold me and put me in a spreader bar? Sweet, I can deal with that (because clearly, this is something I don't have control over - one of my personal advantages in power play, among many). But actually looking, per my request, at my vulva/vagina? Why would you do that? Why would I ever ask you to do that?

But I nodded, because as always, I felt very safe with him. I was still horrified and nervous and full of shame about it, but how safe I felt with him let me do this anyway. I opened my legs, and he looked around. His hands were very tender, pressed very gently, because he knew it hurt. He came back up to me, and looked me in the face.

"It looks like a bump." He said. And I started to cry. He explained that it could be anything, and he was right; it could have been any number of things. We flew back to the states, and I could barely look at him. He had seen that part of me, sore and red and angry and in full light. He held my hand the whole way.

I shook a lot when I went to the doctor. I was hot, and we didn't have a car, so I walked a couple of miles to the nearest Zoomcare, which with your first herpes outbreak in full swing, let me tell you, is no picnic. I was flushed and trying to hold back tears. We waited for test results for a few days, and when they came back, I really fell apart.

I saw an e-mail from Zoomcare on my phone, and stopped mid-sentence talking to my roommate to go to computer and read it. I sat on my bed. My partner sat on the bed next to me. It was the slowest an e-mail has ever loaded in my life, and then is was loaded, and then I was reading, and then there it was, positive. A big fat positive. I closed the computer. It took everything for me not to throw it across the room. I sobbed, and told him, choking on my own crying, that he needed to leave, that we were finished, that he needed to forget about me and go.

No, he didn't, and no, that wasn't the most mature reaction I've ever had to bad news. But he knew that, and he held me, like he always does. He held me while I pushed against him (this is a thing we do sometimes - it's negotiated, and we both like it, just to be clear). He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and I pushed and pushed against his chest. We ended up half on the bed, none of my words making sense, him holding on, and rocking me like a child.

It got slowly, slowly better from there. And I write all this not to be dramatic, and not (I hope) for my own creative indulgence. I write all this to say to whoever reads this (and I'm not sure it's anyone, but): I've come a long, long way. I was convinced, at the outset, that I was a dirty, infected, horrible person. That there was no way I could maintain the confidence or self-worth needed to be in a relationship, let alone ask anyone to be in that relationship with me. I was convinced my current relationship would buckle under the pressure of me dealing with herpes, and that after that, I'd never have sex again, because I wouldn't ever be able to ask anyone to do that. If my relationship survived, I was convinced any kind of poly lifestyle was totally closed to me, and I was convinced that I would never be able to have sex with my partner without thinking about herpes, my herpes, the sores or potential sores on my genitals, the virus that was going to live, always, at the base of my spine.

I was also convinced that I would always feel that way. That there was no light at the end of the herpes tunnel.

If this blog post, the previous, or the next, are any indication, I think I was wrong.

Next up: How I feel currently about herpes, and stupid slut-shaming doctors. Damn the Man! Save the Empire!

Happily bruised as always,

The Good Girl

Tuesday, August 7

I Have Herpes, part un

I tried to think of a more creative title for this post. Things included "Herpes, The Other White Meat," or "Herpes; Not Your Average STD," or "Herpes: More Than Just Glitter In Your Bedsheets." My favorite, maybe: "Herpes, The Big H." But I think I'll keep it simple. This post is mostly educational; there's another one coming about my emotional experience. All facts and figures are from The Good News About The Bad News, which is a great read, whether you have herpes, know someone who has herpes, or just generally want to educate yourself.

I found out I had herpes about four months ago. I had some vaginal irritation, but I'm sort of prone to yeast infections/BV, so I figured it was a particularly bad case. It happened on the way back from a trip abroad, on the plane. I started hurting, and then I started hurting worse. It was a weekend when we got back in town, so I caved and went Zoomcare instead of seeing my regular doctor. They examined me, and told me it was probably herpes, and did a PCR swab test of the sores just to be sure. The results came back a few days later; positive for HSV-1.

Getting herpes isn't particularly unique or special, but I think the circumstances I got it under are pretty interesting. Here's some facts about herpes; if you're skimming, all the punchy tidbits are in bold.


There are two kinds of herpes, HSV-1 and HSV-2. HSV-1 usually affects the mouth; when you have it, you get cold sores, and once you've had it, you have it for life. HSV-2 usually affects the genitals, and just like it's counterpart, once you have it, you have it for life. Both types of the virus are passed from skin to skin contact, so condoms don't protect against them (although using one does lessen your risk). Once you're exposed to the virus, it makes it's way into your nerve cells, and takes root in your spinal column, where it (most of the time) stays dormant, and doesn't really do anything. Herpes on your mouth lives at the top of your spine, in the nerve cluster there; herpes on your genitals lives at the bottom.

An outbreak happens when the virus wakes up (it can be from stress, irritation, sun exposure, mixing stripes with polka-dots, whatever) and travels to your skin, where it causes little lesions of varying appearance. They last between a few days and a couple of weeks, scabbing over and eventually healing. It can be very painful, or hardly noticeable at all. Your first outbreak is usually the worst, although many first outbreaks go completely undetected. HSV-2 is worse in severity and frequency, usually, that HSV-1, and when someone uses the terms "oral herpes" and "genital herpes," they're probably referring to HSV-1 and HSV-2 respectively, although their terminology isn't exactly correct.

You can get either virus (theoretically) in either location, hence me pointing out the faulty terminology. A case of oral HSV-2 hasn't really ever been documented, but genital HSV-1? That happens all the time. In fact, over 50% of new cases of genital herpes are HSV-1. Why, you ask? They (the American medical establishment) think it's because oral sex is considered such a low-risk activity, and because most folks don't realize that yes, if you've ever had a cold sore, you can pass the virus from your mouth to someone else's genitals. The likelihood of that happening when you don't have a cold sore is very low, but if it's right before your about to have one (people talk about being able to feel one coming on, a tingling sensation on their lips): that's when you have the highest rate of shedding.

I'm recently refreshed on a lot of these statistics and facts from the ferocious reading I did after I knew I had herpes. But unlike a lot of people who get herpes, I knew a lot about it before I had it. And not because of my sex-educator background.

In the last year of college and the first year of real-world-after-college, I was in a relationship with a man who had genital HSV-1. He told me before we had sex, a couple of weeks after we'd been dating. I educated myself, read books; we even went to the doctor together. He was on anti-virals, and I decided it was an acceptable risk. I loved him, and although the relationship ended badly after a couple of years (and he turned out to be sort of an asshole), I didn't regret my decision.

Flash forward a few years, and I have an outbreak, and test positive. Because of my issues with year with recurring yeast/BV, I'd been tested for herpes multiple times, and always come up negative. The incubation period for herpes is usually a couple of months, maybe a year, so it's unlikely I got it from the asshole. But it's not impossible; the tests they use to diagnose herpes is pretty inaccurate, especially if it's been a while since you've had an outbreak. And it's possible I missed my first outbreak. It's also possible I got it from another partner since the asshole who was aware of his herpes. Another fun fact about the virus? 90% of people who have it (that includes both types) don't know they have it.

So, I have this disease. I've struggled with it over the past months, and I'm going to write about that in a post soon to come. But part of what I've realized about herpes, having been on both sides of an uneven partnership with it (meaning, one person has the virus, one person doesn't) is that there's a reason why the tests suck, and a reason why so few people know they have it (aside from the American medical establishment being generally shitty).

Simply, it just isn't that big of a deal. Unlike gonorrhea, chlamydia, or even AIDS, it doesn't have any adverse affects besides the outbreaks (the one exception to this being the speculation that HSV-1 might put at a higher risk for Alzheimer's disease, but if that's the case, the 60% - 80% of the population is in that boat). It doesn't impeded your fertility, your immune system, or your ability to have sex (aside from the outbreaks, that is). And in many, many cases, people have outbreaks so infrequently that herpes simply isn't a part of their daily life (in fact, 50% of people who have HSV-1 genitally will never experience another outbreak in their lifetime).

So yes, I have an STD. I will always have an STD. It changes my relationship with monogamy, with play partners. It threw a serious wrench in my current relationship, although I couldn't have asked for a more incredible partner, and we're still making an excellent team. It changed my perception of my sexuality, in both good and bad ways, in ways that are changing all the time (more on these things in the aforementioned upcoming post). If I had to pick between having an STD and not having an STD, I'd pick the later. But if I had to pick an STD to have? All told, herpes isn't so bad. AIDS and syphilis are pretty terrible in many ways; gonorrhea and chlamydia are curable, sure, but most of the time they present with no symptoms, and if they go undetected, can cause pelvic inflammatory disease and infertility. So, out of the big ones, yeah, I think I'd pick herpes.

As an homage to coming out with this, so to speak, I'm adding a herpes tag in the sidebar. Who knows if I'll ever use it again. But, just the like the virus living at the bottom of my spinal column, it'll be there.

Wednesday, August 1

New Sidebar Links

Hello, small squandron of people who maybe read this blog!

I'm linking a couple of new things in the sidebar of this blog, wanted to give a heads up about them.

The Masocast is an entertaining, informative (and often very funny) podcast out of New York. Check it out.

Because of my recent frustrations with the reddit kinky communities, I started my own. It's very small yet (but so is this place, so it seems fitting), and there's a zero tolerance policy for anything bigoted, creepy, misogynistic, transphobic, homophobic, or otherwise shitty. I'm excited.

Bruised and happy as always,

The Good Girl