Fifty Shades of This Sucks: Onward and Upward! (part two)

"Hey baby, can I get your number? Also, sign this will ya?"

Oh man. Oh man oh man oh man.

Chapter Five - Mr. Grey Mansplains

At the end of chapter four, Ana passed out in Mr. Grey's arms after being rescued from her "over-amorous" (because that's sexual assault, right? just a little too much lovin') friend, José. At the opening of chapter five, she wakes up, in her underwear, in Mr. Grey's bed.

He comes into her room after knocking (but not waiting for her to answer), gives her repeated commands (she actually calls them "commands," and finds this oooh-so-sexy) to eat or drink, and walks in on her a second time as she's hopping out of bed and into the shower. My favorite part of this romantic morning, however, is when he guilts her about how she got there in the first place:

"Did you undress me?" I whisper.
"Yes." He quirks an eyebrow at me as I blush furiously.
"We didn't --" I whisper, my mouth drying in mortified horror as I can't complete the question. I stare at my hands.
"Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive," he says dryly.
...
I didn't ask for him to come and get me. Somehow I've been made to feel like the villain of this piece.
"You didn't have to track me down with whatever James Bond gadgetry you're developing for the highest bidder," I snap.
"First, the technology to track cell phones is available over the internet. Second, my company does not invest or manufacture any kind of surveillance devices. And third, if I hadn't come to get you, you'd probably be waking up in the photographer's bed, and from what I can remember, you weren't overly enthused hi, pressing his suit," he says acidly.

It's important this women are sentient and receptive when they have sex, but not when he takes their clothes off or comes into their rooms; cool, got it! And of course, because he "saved" her, he's entitled to squash her hysterical little emotions with his Cool Rational Man Logic. Thanks for clearing that up, Mr. Grey!

For the rest of the chapter they "flirt," have breakfast, and make plans to meet up that evening to he can take her Seattle and show her his place. Oh, and he kisses her, all kinky-forceful style, in the elevator, without asking her permission or caring much about her reactions. Awesome.

Chapter Six - Creepy Sex Mansions Come Complete with Helipads

Mr. Grey drives Ana home, where she meets Kate, who has, incidentally, slept with Christian Grey's brother, Elliot. Katie is flouncy and "melting," and this is seen as an accomplishment by Christian's charismatic older brother: "Kate just melts. I've never seen her melt before - the words 'comely' and 'compliant' come to mind. Compliant Kate. Boy, Elliot must be good." Because the sign that a woman has had a happy, sexually fulfilling night is that she loses are her bad-ass, take-no-crap agency, right? It's a man's job to conquer those silly notions of female independence. Is she still awe-inspiring, Ana?

Ana goes to work, thinks about Mr. Grey all day, and then drives with him to his helicopter to fly to Seattle. He straps her into her seat, kisses her, and whispers "I like this harness." Yeah, because that's appropriate for someone you've spent a couple days with and discussed nothing of kink with whatsoever.

They fly to Seattle, land at his über-chic downtown mansion, and talk consent as they land. On his Helipad. While she's strapped into a harness. In his Helicopter. At the mansion where she's never been with a man she barely knows.

"You don't have to do anything you don't to do. You know that, don't you?" His tone is so earnest, desperate even, his eyes impassioned.
"I never do anything I didn't want to do, Christian." And as I say the words, I don't quite feel their conviction, because at this moment in time, I'd probably do anything for this man seated beside me. But this does the trick. He's mollified.

Tip number one: Don't talk about consent after you've helicoptered an almost perfect-stranger-girl to your mansion.
Tip number two: If you have feelings of doubt about your consent, LISTEN TO THEM, THOSE ARE RED FLAGS. Are you intimidated by his house, by the fact that you're literally strapped in while you're having this conversation? THAT IS NOT SEXY, THAT IS MANIPULATIVE.
Tip number three: If you don't feel totally comfortable with respecting your own limits or maintaining your own consent boundaries, it is your responsibility to tell your partner that. It is not sexy. It is not coy. It is not hot. It is gross and manipulative. He is not "mollified," he's unaware of your decision making process.

But it's okay, they try again later. After he's showed her his lavish, expansive mansion apartment, complete with fully-equipped play room and basically 24/7 contract. Wait, what?

Chapter Seven - I'm Gonna 'Splain Some More, K? K.

Ana stares in awe at the expansive play room, asking after some time if Mr. Grey is a sadist, to which he replies "I"m a Dominant." Capital D, did you get that? Silly girl, I'll make sure you understand. What does being a Dominant mean, you might ask?

"'It means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me, in all things."

Well, no, Mr. Grey. That could describe a 24/7 TPE relationship, and that's how some people deal with power exchange. But they generally don't bring it up on a second date. With a woman they've just met.

Ana has a rare moment of brilliance, when faced with all this information, where she asks:

"Okay, what do I get out of this?"
He shrugs and looks almost apologetic.
"Me," he says simply.

WRONG FUCKING ANSWER. I mean, yes, she gets him; partners get each other, that's cool. But the whole thing (including the contract - but we'll get to that in a minute) is set up as a weird sacrificial ultimatum. Ana does all these crazy weird kinky things (which she'll no doubt "grow to love," I'm sure), and in exchange, she gets to be in the presence of the ever-enticing Mr. Grey.

What about her pleasure? Is she a masochist? Does she like power exchange? Is there going to be any discussion of what a submissive role might offer her, as a person? (Examples: self-worth, purpose, growth, insight, self-awareness, peace. Or, those are some of the things it offers me, anyway). But no. It's all just to beeeeee with Meeesssster Grrreeeey. Vomit.

So, in the next logical step, he busts out a contract, which outlines what she'll eat, when she'll eat, when she'll exercise, what she'll wear, who she'll have sex with and how she'll keep her body hair. Anastasia has some misgivings throughout the chapter ("... I know I'm going to say yes. And part of me doesn't want to."), but listens to none of them. Once again, her hesitation, her meek nature, her reluctance - it's all supposed to be sexy. And I get that; inner conflict, catharsis, giving in to your more base natures; sure. BUT YOU'RE NEGOTIATING A 24/7 CONTRACT WITH SOMEONE YOU BARELY KNOW, YOU HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WITH S/M, AND YOU'RE A VIRGIN. Fucking listen to yourself, girlfriend.

Quaintly enough, Mr. Grey's contract comes with a list of his hard limits (they're what you'd expect - none of the edge plays, no children, no dead people), and he asks Ana what hers might be. She says she doesn't know (which is a totally great answer), and he presses her, asking what she's done in bed before that she liked or didn't like. Which is when she tells him she's a virgin. Which is when he flips the fuck out.

So, she's new. To all of it. And the reason he didn't know this is because they've known each other for like four fucking days, so that's pretty reasonable. It's also reasonable that she wouldn't know any of her limits, not even really knowing what the word "limit" means yet, but Mr. Grey has his contract, all's fair save those pesky hard limits - quick, Ana, figure out what yours are!

What bothers me most about this is the idea that her being a virgin, and not having no knowledge of BDSM, is the deal breaker. As if kinky sex is some sort of graduate school version of regular sex, and the speed and recklessness of this exchange would have all been okay if someone had penetrated her a few times. New flash: power exchange is it's own beast, and sure, having had sex before might help, but it doesn't mean you get to skip actual negotiation and communicating about kink.

Chapter Eight - This Is What Virginity Looks Like

Mr. Grey decides he's going to fix Ana's little virginity problem that night. You might think I'm hyperbolizing there. Maybe a little. What he actually says is:

"Come," he murmers.
"What?"
"We're going to rectify the situation right now."
"What d you mean? What situation?"
"You situation. Ana, I'm going to make love to you, now."

Christian has previously informed us that he doesn't "make love," he only "fucks, and fucks hard." But he's making an exception for Ana, so much so that he dismisses the aforementioned contract, telling her "Forget about he rules. Forget about all those details for tonight. I want you." Quick, baby, don't think about your limits or boundaries anymore! Just give in to yourself, and my desire! We gotta de-sex you pronto!

I understand James probably meant this to be more of a "Forget about the kinky shit, we gotta get you outta virgin land vanilla-style first" kind of thing, but it still ticks another notch into the continuing themes of Bad Consent throughout the book thus far. Have doubts? Ignore 'em. Have instincts to push away? Nahhhh, you're gonna like it. Those rules we talked about, that were so important to me? Psssht, this is special baby, we'll break 'em, just this once...

The words "just this once," rarely imply anything that would fall under RACK or SSC guidelines.

So, they have sex. Big sexy sexy.

Somewhere before any orgasms (and oh yes, there are several) but after her clothes come off, Mr. Grey asks Ana to show him "how she pleasures herself." Which is actually, props to James, a good question to ask. Ana confesses to him that she has never masturbated. Ditching the surreality for the second, this is supposed to be sexy to us. Not only is Ana meek, submissive by nature, and virginal, but she's extra-super-never-orgasmed virginal. This is gonna be the most awesome de-flowering ever, brah.

And it is. Preposterously so. Not only does Ana say almost nothing throughout the entire encounter, but she doesn't do anything either; Mr. Grey does all the talking, and takes all the initiative every step of the way. This is, I guess, supposed to be submissive, but as one of my favorite internet friends pointed out, submissive DOES NOT MEAN passive or non-communicative. In spite of barely participating, showing zero agency, and having never done anything besides kiss someone in her life, Ana orgasms, three times. The first of these times if from nipple stimulation. Did you catch that? Yup. Nipple stimulation. I was actually surprised to see the stats on this - Wikipedia sites one study claiming 29% of women can orgasm this way. But women who've anything sexual in their lives? I doubt it.

The second two are from penetration alone. All are at the command of Mr. Grey (although there's been no discussion of orgasm control boundaries), because, you know, that's how that works.

At the end of the chapter, we see Mr. Grey playing the piano alone, brooding. Ana coaxes him back to bed, where she's dismayed to find a stain on the sheets. Because it wouldn't be a proper de-flowering without Virgin Blood, right? Oh, and I forget: nipple orgasms.

The one positive thing about the sex? They use protection, and talk about. Of course, Mr. Grey flawlessly and sexily puts the condom on, both times. He supplies them, he asks about them (or rather, he asks if she's on the pill, and then, disappointedly, pulls them out of the bedside table), and there's never a mishap. Yup.

*

Off to read some more. I'll leave with the Subconscious Blotter and Prizes for Worst Sentence.

"I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she's doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skit at the thought of being his." - p. 67

"Don't lie to yourself - my subconscious yells at me - it'll have to be pretty damned bad to have you running for the hills." p. 74

"My very small inner goddess sways a gentle victory samba" - p. 78

(when it's happy, it becomes her "inner goddess." and does the samba, evidently).

"You know very well what you're doing here, my subconscious sneers at me." p. 94

"My subconscious is staring in awe." p. 95

To summarize, the things Ana's subconscious can do include: yell, stare, sneer, dance the hula, wear hula skirts, turn into a goddess, and dance the samba. I'm starting to like her subconscious more than I like her, I think.

Worst sentence runner up! (as they enter the mansion):

"... I turn and glance around this vast room. 'Room' is the wrong word. It's not a room  - it's a mission statement." p. 94 (And praytell, Anastasia, what does that mission statement say, exactly?)

Worst sentence winner! (in reaction to the bountiful breakfast he presents her with in the hotel):

"'That's very profligate of you,' I murmur."

Nobody uses the word profligate, and if they do, they certainly don't murmur it.

Until next time.