Why Fifty Shades of Grey is Utter Bullshit, part one of many

Awww, wook at da wittle cuffffffsss!

There's a lot of about how the new hit is bad. And it is, for a lot of reasons. Arguing that the writing is terrible is a common theme, but an obvious one, and... well, nobody's fighting anybody on that point. It's terrible, terrible writing. We can all be in agreement.

I know this, first hand, because I'm reading it. Oh. God. Am. I. Reading. It. Having arguments about why the book is bad, I inevitably get the question, "Well, have you actually read it?" So I will, but if I'm going to submit myself to this (HA! PUN FUCKING INTENDED!), I'm going to tear it apart while I do.


Even writing this right now I can feel the bad writing seeping in. Like just the act of reading it is making me, as a writer, worse. More trite, more cliche, and those two things mean the same thing and BY GOD LOOK AT THAT IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING.

Okay. Without further ado, the next few (maybe several?) posts will be a chapter-by-chapter analysis of why this book is bad, abusive, anti-feminist, blithering bullshit.


Chapter One - The Meek Shall Inherit the Asshole Millionaires

The book opens with our main character, Anastasia Steele (and if that isn't a porn name, I don't know what is) scrutinizing her appearance in the mirror. The third sentence of the book is a killer - depicting really low self-esteem coupled with a seemingly uncontrollable obsession with how she looks at the expense of more worthwhile pursuits:

"I should be studying for my final exams, which are next week, yet here I am trying to brush my hair into submission."

No to mention (if you know the book has a kinky bent to begin with) the terrible wordplay with "submission."

Anastasia goes to interview Mr. Grey at his office. She's characterized as nervous, clumsy, stuttering, and utterly out of control of anything around her. On top of all of this, these are things she really, really dislikes about herself.

All of Mr. Grey's employee's are sexualized and judged on their appearance. They're either blonde and beautiful (Ana is both intimidated and in awe of this), or nervous and skittish, similar to how Ana sees herself. She gets through the interview, despite actually falling in through the doors, asking inappropriate questions, and dropping her recorder. More so than any of this, it's all characterized as amusing, or endearing, to Mr. Grey:

"... I become increasingly embarrassed and flustered. When I pluck up the courage to look at him, he's watching me, one hand relaxed in his lap and the other cupping his chin and trailing his long index finger across his lips. I think he's trying to suppress a smile."

Lather, rinse, repeat throughout the rest of the interview. She screws up, beats herself up for internally, and he finds it cute, or doesn't care. This is unbelievably attractive to her.

*

Chapter Two - Harassment in the Workplace, or, Rope Enthusiast Don't Usually Measure in Yards

Ana obsesses over Mr. Grey, trying to forget him, but dreaming of him every night. The theme of her vs. her subconscious starts to emerge, the forever-entertaining-no-matter-how-overdone internal conflict. So now, we've got Ana lacking agency with her physical self, with those around her (see below), and with her emotional self. Her subconscious talks to her, she blushes without warning at anything. It's not just Mr. Grey who controls her, but the Internal Subconscious Demon as well. Scary! (no really, it is).

Ana has never been sexual with anyone, never held anyone's hand, never kissed anyone, and she's repulsed by her own sexuality: "Okay - I like him. There, I've admitted it to myself." As if it's somehow not okay to be attracted to someone, even the verb, to "admit," tells us that her sexuality is something she's supposed to resist, or better yet, that it's sexy when she resists feeling sexual. I don't think I need to explain why that's problematic.

So, Mr. Grey comes to visit Ana at work. She is conveniently employed at a hardware store, where he buys rope, cable ties, and masking tape. Hilarious, because he asks for "five yards," of rope, and I've never heard any of my kinkster compatriots measure their rope stock in yards (yeah, it's a tiny point, whatever). Also - masking tape? Both ineffective and unsexy, but okay. He hits on her, flirts with her, all in the workplace. He's controlling, cold, and distant when she shows physical affection for male friends, and this hyper-possessiveness, although they've barely met, is somehow a turn-on for her.

We're left with another image of the naive (read: stupid and incapable of functioning in the world) Anastasia, complete with bad simile: "I bite my lip in anticipation and find myself grinning like a schoolgirl."

*

Chapter Three - Lack of Consent and Weak Female Characters! Weee!

Ana and her best friend, Kate, set up a photo shoot with Mr. Grey (these photographs are going along with the article Kate has written, with the interview Ana did, about Mr. Grey, for the school paper). Plot points out of the way? Cool. On to assault and lack of consent.

Point of normalizing lack of agency or consent in women, #1: Ana gets asked out on a date by her co-worker; she says no, after which she informs us: "Whenever he comes home he asks me on a date, and I always say no. It's a ritual." Because expressing your disinterest and having it ignored, time after time, is cute, right?

Point of normalizing lack of agency or consent in women, #2: Ana goes out to coffee with Mr. Grey post-photo shoot (during which he pulls the hyper-possessive with regards to other dudes thing, again), but only after he asks, she says she shouldn't, he asks again, she says she has to drive her friends home, and so he goes ahead and tells his driver to take them home instead, without asking her. During this exchange, Kate pulls Ana aside to tell her that Mr. Grey gives her a weird vibe, that Kate doesn't trust him, and that he seems dangerous. She actually says this: "He's gorgeous, I agree, but I think he's dangerous."

Ana has known Kate for four years, and they're roommates, and she completely ignores this warning.

On a serious note - I'm not trying to condemn her for ignoring her friend. I know a lot of very smart, great women who've been warned about stuff and gone ahead with it anyway. But James paints Ana's ignorance as sexy, daring, and, again, a cute naivete. Bleh.

During the coffee date, Mr. Grey asks about the men in Anna's life, whether or not she's dating any of them, and repeatedly gives her direct order to do things (with no pre-negotiated talk of that kind of behavior). At the end of the chapter, he saves her from a wayward bicyclist (because it's Portland!)

We get a fine example of further the female (beep boop!) inability to take care of oneself with Ana's mother: "She [Ana's mother] has Bob now. I just hope he can keep an eye on her and pick up the pieces when her harebrained schemes don't go as planned."

Kate, the only strong female character in the book, is remarkable in her mere ability to stand up for herself and be a person: "She shakes his hand firmly without batting an eyelid... She doesn't take any crap. I am in awe of her."

*

Chapter Four - Sexual Assault is Totally Hot Right Now

So, Ana is totally obsessed with Mr. Grey, and he seems into her too. Even though they've spent a total of about twenty minutes together. He inexplicably leaves, however, after their coffee date, doing this weird push-pull with whether or not he's interested in her. She tries not to think of him, but damn that pesky Internal Subconscious Demon. She finished her final exams, goes out drinking with friends, and shenanigans of the really gross rapey kind type ensue.

(A brief caveat: this woman is twenty one, living in Portland, and has a) never been kissed, b) never been sexually attracted to anyone, and c) never had a drop of alcohol in her life. If these were her own choices, I'm all for it, but they're painted (once again) as endearing naivete, aspects of a girl who just happened to fall into the purest, most innocent lifestyle possible. Mmmk).

Ana ends up drinking too much at the bar and drunk dials Mr. Grey. After asking him why she sent him some (very expensive, slightly creepily-noted) books, he decides he's very worried about her, because she's clearly been drinking. He asks how she's getting home. He wants to know which bar she's drinking at.

Dude, calm down. Lady is getting her party on.

But nope. Women can't take care of themselves - haven't we already learned that? Sheesh.

So, Mr. Grey does what any normal billionaire would do. He tracks her cell phone and shows up. And good thing he did, too! Because at that very moment, Ana was getting sexually assaulted by her best friend! The exchange goes as follows:

"José, I'm okay. I've got this." I try to push him away rather feebly.
"Ana please," he whispers, and now he's holding me in his arms, pulling me close.
"José, what are you doing?"
"You know I like you Ana, please."
"No, José, stop - no." I push him, but he's a wall of hard muscle, and I cannot shift him. His hand has lsippe dinto my hair, and he's holding my head in place.
"Please Ana, cariño," he whispers against my lips.
I feel panickedy, drunk, out of control. The feeling is suffocating.

And just then, Mr. Grey shows up to save her! Now, I get this this is painted as a creepy encounter, and it's good that Ana gets out of it. But she doesn't do it herself, and the only reason she *isn't* raped by her friend is because another controlling creepy dude shows up. This is evidence by the next exchange, when Ana, once again, tries to push a guy away, and he doesn't listen:

"He has one arm around my shoulders - the other is holding my hair... I try awkwardly to push him away, but I vomit again... and again."

*

Moral of the story so far? Women have no control, unless they do, in which case they're awe inspiring because someone of their gender acts like a person. No doesn't mean no. No doesn't mean anything (and if you're saying to yourself, "Yeah, but she doesn't actually say 'no' to some of these," then I'd encourage you to check out the "No is Disfavored" piece on Yes Mean Yes). Men get their way with you, sometimes it's when you like it, sometimes it's when you don't, but it doesn't really matter, because you don't have any agency! Yay!

And that's enough for now. I'll leave you with The Cliché Blotter, and prizes for Worst Sentence.

"I hit the pedal to the metal" - p. 4 (I think the verb you want there, James, is "push")
"Double crap - me and my two left feet!" p. 7
"Pay peanuts for rent" p. 18
"Blow-by-blow account" p. 18
"My legs are suddenly the consistency of Jell-O" p. 25
"grinning like a schoolgirl" p. 31
"my stomach full of butterflies" p.40
"Two can play at this game" p. 46
"Kate has the constitution of an Ox" p.56
"She's dancing her ass off" p. 64

Worst Sentence Runner Up (after she's spent a total of about an hour with Mr. Grey):

"Mourning something that never was - my dashed hopes my dashed dreams, and my soured expectations." p. 51


Worst Sentence Winner! (after Mr. Grey leaves the hardware store):

"He smiles, the strides with renewed purpose out of the store, slinging the plastic bag over his shoulder, leaving me a quivering mass of female hormones." p. 31