Men Have it Hard (or as hard as women, really, don’t you see?)

Disclaimer: I’ve been travelling for a while, hence the lack of updates. And while the following isn’t really about kink, I think it still falls under the umbrella. Plus, I need a place to put it. On the internet. For reasons heretofore unclear. Enjoy.

I do a lot of reading and writing on a website called Reddit. It’s a forum website, where people write about problems or bring up discussions. It’s also naked pictures and stupid dribble banter, but the parts of Reddit I enjoy are mostly about talking. It can be fascinating - whether it’s a group of kinksters discussing at article, or advising their partners on how to work through a scene gone bad, there are parts of the communities on the site that, I think, genuinely help people. There’s also a lot of crap.

One of the forums I post to and read often is r/sex (among the others: r/Portland, r/bdsm, and r/bdsmcommunity), referred to coloquially as “sexxit.” It’s got a lot of ridiculous to it, but the main objective of the subreddit (as posted in their rules on the sidebar of the community) is to educate and support and sex-positive environment. Which is why I was so, so surprised when, a few days ago, the community when ballistic over a link to an article “Men Have it Hard.”

And I mean ballistic in a good way. An ecstatic, girl-fans drooling on the Beatles kind of way.

The link was posted by the author of the article, and long-time respected member of the sexxit commnity. She goes by Maxxters, and writes for the website where the article was published, “The Sexperts Lounge.” She’s often the top voted comment on posts by people with sex questions; she’s articulate, and argues and defends her points well. And although I’ve always thought there was a little bit of a star-struck nature in the way Sexxit views Maxxters, it wasn’t until the other day that I really saw it flourish.

But I digress. Here’s the article, and here’s the reddit post about it. And here are some of the problems that I have, for all it’s attempts at good advice and equality, with this so-called expert’s advice on the sex lives of men.

The article sets up, from the beginning, a false dichotomy between feminism, or equal rights for women, and the fact that men also have issues with sex, body image, and gender norms. The first two paragraphs of the article alone demonstrate this beautifully:

“When we hear about sexual pain, low libido, laock of interest in sex, difficulty achieving orgasm, or overcoming sexual hang ups, many of us think first of women.

It may seem like men have it easy, but men have all of these problems and many more. Men have it hard.”

The jump between these two paragraphs is my favorite thing about them, I think. The blank space in which cultural assumption thrives, and the false-dichotomy (present throughout the entire article) begins. Yes, many of us first think of women (and maybe that’s because women have, for thousands of years, had all of these problems). But the blank space after that sentence, followed by the set up “It may seem like men have it easy,” somehow implies not only that thinking of women first is wrong, but that if we think of women at all, there is an automatic exclusion of men, and an automatic belief that men cannot have issues, that men live on fluffy clouds of sex life made of unicorn vaginas. Or something.

I challenge that. I challenge the dichotomy that if women have it hard, men have to it equally as hard, or no one is entitled to their oppression. The next paragraph illustrates this well (and I’m going to try not to type out the entier lenght of the article in small segments, but we’ll see what hppens):

“Women are undoubtedly affected more by body image concerns than men, but men have these issues too.”

Turning to grammar, here’s the false dichotmoy (and a somewhat confrontational tone, but we’ll get to that later) again: Sure, women, you have issues; but if you have issues, you must acknowledge and spend as much or more time on men’s issues. Your issues cannot be more important than men’s issues. In fact, by having issues at all, you’re taking away from the limited (what?) energy the world has to devote to men’s issues.

That might sound hyperbolic, and it is a little, so instead, how about an alternative; a simple, very subtle change in the grammar, plus a small end cap:

Women are affected more by body image concerns than men. Men also have body image concerns; I’d like to start a discussion about them.

My issue with this, it seems, is where the blame is lain (lied? laid? Oh dear, and I was just expounding about grammar…) for the lack of education, or lack of awareness about men’s sexual issues. Later on in the article, Maxxters goes on to explain this:

About penis size: “Many younger or less experienced women have figured it was true…”

About picking girls up/being the person to initiate romantic contact: “… many ladies are happy to let it happen the old-fashioned way.”

About difficulties with performance: “Ladies, whether it’s ‘whiskey dick,’ performance anxiety, fatigue, or something unknown, putting pressure on the guy and worrying about it wont help. So try to be understanding.”

Although it’s never outright stated, it’s implied through framing, over and over again, that not only are women’s issues (and women talking about women’s issues, god forbid, standing up for themselves) to blame for the lack of education and awareness about men’s issues (hogging the spotlight, so to speak), but that women themselves are somehow responsible for fixing the problem. That it’s a woman’s responsibility, somehow, to overcome these issues of male sexuality and gender identity for her male partner; that because she’s been given so much attention, it’s time to give some of it back. Or something.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying that people can’t be advocates, and can’t do certain things to support the development and growth of their partners’ gender identities and sexual lives. I am in full support of these advocates, and their partners, regardless of where they fall along the gender spectrum. I am in full support of open, communicative, consent-cultured sex-positive relationships. And I think Maxxters is too. I’m just concerned that, in her article, advocacy for one gender’s sexual issues comes at the cost of advocacy for another. And I don’t think it has to be that way.

The kicker to the previous point rears it’s head in the final paragraphs; the author spells out what she’s been alluding to the entire time; namely, that this article is written for women, about men:

“Don’t Make it About You”

“Instead, talk to him and find out how you can help make things better. Work to make him comfortable with you and eliminate any sexual pressure you’re putting on him… And always think twice before bashing or shaming a guy while gossiping with your friends about your sexcapades. If women can realize that guys have it hard, too, and take it a but easy on them once in a while, I think that us women are going to have a lot more fun with them.”

First of all, if somebody refers to “us women” one more time, I think I’m going to boycott my own vagina. But the sweeping generalizations of gender identity are small potatoes in this piece, and so obvious that they’re almost not worth discussing. What kills me about her ending, (and what I’ll probably go gossip about with my friends later, insert high pitched laugh here) is that it is, once again, putting simultaneous blame and responsibility on women for men’s sexual issues. And I think that’s wrong, and unnecessary.

What I propose instead, which doesn’t exclude women at all, is that the blame and the solution to men’s sexual issues comes from exactly the same place as the blame and solution to women’s sexual issues comes from: the patriarchal, sex-negative, gender-stereotypical culture that’s been perpetuated for thousands of years. And when I say patriarchy, I don’t mean men. I mean the system. Yup, the system. It all comes back to the system.

The system that Maxxters is perpetuating, and that sexxit so enthusiastically condoned.

Further examples of complicity also in the last paragraph of the article, when it suggests (subtly, of course) why men’s comfort with their own sexuality is important. The purpose of making men comfortable, of course, is not so that men can be comfortable, not because that’s a good goal in itself, and not so that people (regardless of gender) can have positive and fulfilling sex lives. Instead, it posits that women should care about the sex lives of men simply so that women can have [more] fun with them. In order for a women to care about a man’s issue, it has to relate directly back to their own enjoyment; I’d chalk it up to candor and tone, a little sacrifice of her principals for a snappy ending, except that it’s happened before:

“…feel confident that if a guy you’re with is having trouble, it’s usually not because you’re unattractive or bad at sex.”

Women should understand and be sympathetic to a man’s sexual issues, not because men are people and have sexual issues (note: I didn’t say “men are people too.” Men don’t need to be people too. We’re all people. Get with it), but because your sexual hang-ups, which of course you have because you’re female (beep boop) will be easier to deal with. They’ll be easier to explain. And I’m not advocating that women simply “get over” feeling unattractive either - I’m trying to draw attention to a pattern that’s present throughout the article, an aggressive tone that translates to something bigger, to a point where neither gender is given any room to even have sexual hang ups. It’s solutions offered, and the shaming of the problems in the first place. There’s no empathy; there’s no connection; there’s no advocacy of understanding between partners for the simply reason of caring about that partner. There’s no space to say “Hey, I have issues with this. I haven’t found a solution yet. I’d like to have a great sex life with you anyway. Wanna give it a go?”

About what to do with the absence of a hard penis: “The couple can even still have penetrative sex is the guy is comfortable enough with himself to strap on a dildo.”

Come on guys. Get comfortable enough with yourself. If you’re not, or you have some issues about this, that’s not acceptable. Get over it. Be a man.

About lasting too long: “The guy should buy a fleshlight and only use that to masturbate.”

Go out, fix the problem, don’t think about it: here’s what to do.

Any article that uses a sweeping generalization of gender followed by a “should” clause gets a big fat bullshit. And it’s not even that the practical advice is bad - fleshlights, or a different grip with masturbation, probably helps lots of men. But it’s probably not the easiest thing to admit, the easiest thing to do, or the easiest thing to even talk about. There’s no room for discussion, because men don’t talk about their misgivings or their fears; it’s not in the culturally perpetuated male stereotype to do so, and by extension, it’s not in the article either. Whether it’s from women, or from the author herself, men are allowed little to no empathy, little to no space for an individual sexual identity, emotional or otherwise.

But I’m getting away from myself here. Back to basics.

Not just in this article, but in the world, our overarching cultural manifestations of sex, gender (hell, race, class, sexual orientation - throw in what you will, it’s there) perpetuates stereotypes about men and women. The ones about women are, I would argue, worse, but that’s not the point. The point is that, even in an article that aims to somehow equal the playing field, stereotypes about bothgenders are perpetuated, through writing that’s aggressive, heteronormative, mono-normative (is that even a word? I should be), and misogynistic.

What’s scary to me, and what started all this, is the way in which this community (a community that’s usually okay, not great, but okay, with dealing in gender stereotypes and sexual issues) responded to this article. With praise. With excitement. And sure, with dissent - in the comments towards the bottom, having been downvoted into low numbers. As sexism and stereotypes get more subtle, they get more dangerous; as they’re harder to recognize, they’re harder to argue against. What’s scary is that somebody who’s so respected in their community, and (I’ll be first to say) has a wealth of knowledge about sex, can get away with an article like this.

I’m sad and mad now. Which how these things usually end up. Maybe I’ll go open a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and watch a Sandra Bullock movie. Because I’m a female, and that’s how I process my emotions. Beep boop.