1) I think a lot my kinks are a subconscious reaction to the way I was raised, a rebellion against things I was told were wrong as I child. This bothers me. Is this wrong?
2) Now that I'm a hardcore feminist liberal recycling über good guy, how do I reconcile that with my cuckolding/hotwife-ing fantasies?
The first one is sort of a no brainer for me, but I can understand how someone would struggle with it. I'm not sure where a lot of my kinks come from, but I'm sure some of them come from my childhood, my parents, the way I was raised. And that's fine. Many of the things I like best about myself are probably nurtured, vs. natured, and some might come from some not-so-nice nurturing, I bet. I understand how it might be difficult for someone to accept that part of themselves, but at the end of the day, who cares where it comes from? I like this thing, a lot, and I'm expressing it/experiencing it in a healthy, communicative, adult way. For me, that's enough.
I'm not trying to bash on the guy who posted this. I think I'm more trying to say that I don't understand what his question is. Because, with number one, I end up in a big shrug-my-shoulders moment. Like: okay, it's hard for you. Okay, you talk about your difficulties with your SO. Okay, you've obviously thought and processed this a lot. And it's still kind of hard. And... that's sort of it. You're going to keep being kinky, you're going to keep playing. And you're going to keep dealing with the stuff that's hard, until maybe it isn't so much anymore. Or maybe it always will be. But if playing is worth it to you, then you keep playing, and this is the way of things.
But the second point makes me really mad. And I don't know why, so naturally, this is a little bit of me finding out along the way.
I totally understand the inner dissonance that comes from these two ideas together. I've got it too, as do many, many kinky people. I'm a feminist; I'm a militant, argumentative, at times even overly aggressive, powerful woman. I'm smart and I'm funny and I am, at times, a force to reckoned with. I also like to be hit, slapped, spanked, flogged, choked, etc. And those two don't really line up. But there's something about the way he talks about his cuckolding fantasies that hits me in the same place misogynists do, and I'm trying to figure that out.
So, to begin this little quest, some quotes I pulled to try and figure this out a little more:
"This [his kink] all flies in the face of my views on body acceptance, slut-shaming, egaltarianism (sic), lgbt acceptance, etc.. The gay acts are seen as "degrading", as is bending gender norms. The idea of a "slut" in the convention sense is not rejected for something higher, but rather embraced & exploited."
"It [his kink] flies in the face of conservative politics, & morality. Rather than being an answer to a sex life rooted in patriarchy, my sexuality inverts patriarchy & spits it's own values back in its-face while committing some of the very same ills & wrongs. In many ways it is exploitative & reveling in that negativity to get off."
"I want to be emasculated, & to be called a sissy, a girl, a faggot & to lick her boyfriend's cum out of my 'slut-wifes' pussy & then curl up with a Simone de Beauvoir book & pretend that somehow I'm better than the people I criticize in the world. I'm not seeking anyone's approval."
And then, from his response to my comment:
"But it means exploiting someone else. My wife. A woman. The fantasy relies on me (the privileged one) communicating a fantasy where she's degraded as a 'slut', a 'whore', and not for my enjoyment (well it is vicariously and with compersion), but for her 'bull's enjoyment'. It's like living out all the complaints made about all of male heteronormative porn, to an extent and challenging heteronormativity and masculinity in another."
What bothers me most about his general attitude is that, at a very basic level, it seems like he's not taking his wife's experience into account. I completely understand it being difficult for someone to put their partner in the place that he's putting his wife in - and by that I mean, it may be difficult for the topping and/or shaming and/or otherwise-involved-in-the-shaming partner to have issues with his/her role (although in this situation, that's not the role of the original poster). But he doesn't really acknowledge that. He calls her exploited, and doesn't ever really say "I have a problem with my own role in "exploiting" her."
By all accounts in the rest of the post, it sounds like his wife is very much into their sexual play. And I'm not trying to advocate for her experience trumping his, but rather that he needs to talk about his experience exactly as it is - his experience, not his empathetic guilt for her experience. Or... something. She's not exploited. She's enjoying herself. As do many women in this very manner. And him having an issue with what she's doing for herself seems... like perpetuating exactly the norms he wants to avoid.
He puts a lot of stress on the intellectual parts of things, to which I can only say a couple of things. I think that part of what I like about perpetuating slutdom, or gender norms, or whatever it is that's going on subconsciously in my play, is that I choose it. Like I've written here before; it's on my terms, in my safe space, with my own partner. I give that submission, that degradation, that humiliation, and I give it all willingly, happily. I can also say that, on a certain level, I'm not sure how intellectual this issue really is. Because these two things don't go to together, intellectually. I can talk about a lot of reasons why they make sense, but in the end, from the outside, one is decidedly contrary to the other (in some ways... I hate brandishing absolutes like that. But in some ways, I can see how logic could contradict them, essentially and always. I don't know).
What he's dealing with more, I think, is the emotional fallout from the disconnect between these two parts of himself, and for that, I suggested (gently) that maybe more, or different aftercare might be helpful. I know that coming back to myself, with my partner, feeling that he loves me, feeling that I love him, that we're both complete, whole people, even with what we just did (for me, partly because of what we just did, I am whole) is essential to me being emotionally centered about my play.
I think you can play, and then sit back and read Simone de Beauvoir, but I'll leave the "pretending I'm better" part for somebody else. I don't need to be better than anybody; I just need to be okay with me, and I hope the same for others.
Sentimentally (and bruised as always),
The Good Girl
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