I went to a lecture last weekend by Lee Harrington*, a voice in the kink community I’d followed for years. I first met Lee as Bridget Harrington, and at a Fetish Ball at my college, he (then she) tied me up and suspended me onstage (I was in something like a bow pose, in yoga; I’m sure there’s a proper BDSM title for it, but I don’t remember). I was one of the last volunteers of the night, standing in stiletthos, my black satin tight-laced corset, and not a whole lot else, and I shook just a little. It was nerve-racking and fantastic.
Since then, I’ve read a lot of Harrington’s work, and tried to attend when he speaks in town. I was thrilled to see he was giving a lecture on the one day I could make it to my city’s local kink festival, thrilled at the lecture itself, and thrilled to speak with him afterward (if not a little flustered, in the best way, when he asked if we’d met somewhere before). The lecture was on protocol in D/s relationships, and although I was interested in the topic, I was mostly intrigued by Harrington as a speaker.
As it turns out, protocol and ideas around it are really interesting, and got Sir and I talking about a lot of new territory. Opened doors, as he puts it, that we’d looked at before and seen just stretches of wall.** We spent long hours after the festival, laying in bed after playing, and days and days later, driving around in his red Chevy truck, running errands and talking about D/s protocol. I do some of my best talking, and best thinking, riding in that truck.
First, a defining of terms.
A working definition of Protocol, in my own life and thinkings, involves a combination of ritual, formal physical and verbal interaction, and a mutually agreed upon set of rules. Protocol could, I suppose, be anything you decided it was. Eating ice cream a certain way could be protocol; speaking at a certain pitch or tone of voice could be protocol. In his lecture, Harrington started us out by talking about *how we use protocol,* which for me, is as much a definition as anything.
“A big reason, and the first reason most of the time, to do anything in BDSM is that it gets your dick hard. Or your cunt wet. Or whatever you’ve got moving toward whatever it can be.”
That’s paraphrased, but it was where we started. We moved through protocol as a means for many different things: because it’s fun; to define a scene; for power exchange; to express or receive love; for discipline or punishment, etc. But first, and foremost, we started with the fact that it gets us hot. And this is where the surprising part started for me. Because although I love many aspects of BDSM, and although I lot of things get me hot (pain, submission, obedience, crying, screaming, leather, canes, chains, and wartenberg wheels… the list could go on), I never thought protocol would be one of them.
Before I continue, let me specify: I am not in a 24/7 D/s relationship. Sir and I play mostly, but not exclusively, in the bedroom (or the living room, or in the kitchen), and as this essay (or maybe the second part of this essay) will try to explain, are exploring more and more a middle ground between TPE (Total Power Exchange) and an hour-a-night, only-when-naked-and-actively-fucking sort of lifestyle.
Okay, so back to the lecture. We went on to talk about ways to define and negotiate protocols, everything from verbal contracts to explicit written manuals the size of encyclopedias. We talked about approaches to defining protocols, from traditional Old Guard, to Gorean, to what Harrington called “West Coast Casual” (my favorite). We talked about different levels of protocol in a relationship (Harrington talked about a very strict service sub he’d had that, when they were feeling silly and in a formal-protocol (or “high” protocol) mode, would instead switch to “monkey protocol,” consisting of Harrington putting his finger on his sub’s nose, and the sub making a beeping noise. Kinksters are nerds about sex, and sometimes goofy nerds about sex. Really and truly). We talked about where protocol as a concept falls in the priorities of your relationship and your life. What is the thing that you most value, in a D/s situation? Is it the person? Is it the kind of role you want the person to have in your life, or you in theirs? Or is it the specific protocol of your relationship?
Up until now, Sir and I have taken a very West Coast Casual approach to protocol. We didn’t really have any to begin with, what developed over time developed naturally, and we kept them around by default. We never really talked about it, because we hadn’t really thought about it (re: door/wall conundrum). But a few things, after talking so much about protocol, we recognized what was protocol in our relationship, and what wasn’t.
Part of our protocol was that, mostly, when wearing the collar, playtime started. That sounds pretty basic, but it isn’t true for everyone, and it was true for us. While playing (and by playing, I mean active and interactive play - sex and violence, etc) I called him Sir, almost exclusively, although when we moved into aftercare, I would sometimes call him by his given name. At the time, I’d taken to wearing the collar when sleeping, and so even after play, I’d call him Sir more often than I would during the day (although these two were already starting to blend… calling him Sir out a restuarant, or driving home was just irresistable). The funniest part of our protocol, which really had become protocol for us, I think, was the setting of an alarm before bed. He’d hand me his phone, and I’d get mine, and I’d plug them both in. I’d ask him what time he’d like an alarm set for, and I’d set them on my phone, usually two, fifteen minutes apart. I’d set the phones on the nighstands, charging, and we’d curl up and sleep. It was virtually identical, every night. And what made it more than habit I don’t know if I could say. Maybe that it was me doing something for him. Maybe it was the ritual sameness of it, night in and night out. Maybe it was, as cheesy as it sounds, the physical act of setting our phones together and letting them charge side by side for night (I know, it’s… I know). But it was part of our protocol.
So we talked. And we talked. And came around to a few ideas about protocol. Because it gets me wet and it makes him hard, and also because, by nature I think, we’re experimenters, and we want to try more and delve farther into this world we’re both in love with. The next post, I think, will be about how that’s working for us (it’s only been a couple of play times, maybe more by the next post, and it’s been fascinating so far). Here are the things we agreed on (and got so hot about we went home and fucked each other silly, just to try them out):
Everyday protocol (some of these already existed; mostly, we just named them).
- For an expression of affection, or nod to the D/s aspect of our relationship, he can walk behind me with his right hand on my shoulder. For me to do the same, I can walk on his right, with my hand hooked on his forearm.
- If we want to we can, from time to time, call each other by D/s names or titles (he calls me “good girl,” I call him “Sir”
- I will take his boots off each night before bed.
Low Protocol (for more formal than everyday, but less formal than high protocol. Mostly, this is the time after play or during aftercare, while sleeping, or perhaps if we go to a munch/lecture/casual BDSM event of some kind).
- I can only call him Sir, and not by his name.
- I carry all bags and parcels, and walk in the above ways, and always on the right (when not ridiculously hindering movement or stupid inconvenient).
High Protocol (highest, or tightest, notch on the collar. Mostly for play, or formal occasions when we’re out at kinky events).
- I call him Sir. I use the title often, and with affection, as an honorific.
- He calls me good girl, or any other name he likes, as a diminutive
- I do not make eye contact unless told to do so.
- When the collar goes on or comes off, I am always on my knees at his feet.
- I fetch all toys and ropes, at his request, and bring them to him to kneel at his feet.
- When he tells me “You’re mine now,” I am not allowed to move unless instructed to do so.
- I am not allowed to say I’m sorry.
This is what we’ve been playing with. Next up: some ruminations on how it’s going, why it’s going how it’s going, and probably another post of ridiculous length. I’m liking this whole blogosphere more than I thought I would.
* Harrington has a lot of really great writings and art and philosophies on… well, on everything. Check it all out at his website, Passion and Soul (seriously, it’s pret-ty rad).
** A quick overly-specific and self-concious semantic note: I really, really hate speaking for other people, and would never imply that I did, especially with my partner. I also really hate those couples who, after they’ve been together a week, bid the first person singular goodbye, regardless of context. The “we” used here is simply for grammatical laziness and simplicity - I don’t want to have to type “Sir and I” every time, because… well, because I don’t want to. So… there.
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