Fifty Shades of No Gag Reflex

Ana's wisdom-filled subconscious [see blotter below]

I was talking with Sir the other day about this critique, and he had some comments that got me thinking (as usual). Something along the lines of "Many of the things in this book are totally fucked, sure, but it's not marketed as a users guide - it's fiction, it's fantasy." He wondered why I don't have similar problems with, say, consensual nonconsent erotica (where the negotiation part is sort of left out), or other literature that systematically portrays women in a negative light.

In my perfect world, we'd have strong female characters everywhere, and erotica would have a big disclaimer at the top along the lines of "Hey, this is the sexy part - don't try it at home without the non-sexy talky part first" (or they would include a negotiation scene). But I know that's not the world. So why the big problem with this book, specifically?

I think it's a three-part answer: in short, it's popularity, the cannon it's a part of, and the context in which is discusses things like consent and negotiation. First, the book is everywhere; everyone is reading it. My mother, I found out the other day, is reading it (but that's a story for another time). Second, because of the cannon it's a part of (read: there isn't really one), it's fast becoming the book about modern BDSM. The combination of these first two parts sort of make it, although maybe it wasn't intended that way, into a kind of users manual. People who don't know anything about kink are reading this, and thinking it's a good way to go about things, because it's the only kink text they've ever read.

Which brings me to why the third point is so detrimental. When I spoke to my mother about the book, before I'd read it, I asked her if they negotiated, if there were safewords, if consent was talked about. She said yeah, the book was full of that. And for a second, I had hope.

She's not exactly wrong - the book is full of some kinds of negotiation and consent. They use the word "boundaries" a fair bit. But it's all, all wrong. Boundaries are constantly pushed, sex acts and kink acts done all over the place without negotiation, spankings happening when they haven't set a safeword, etc. It's almost more fucked up than if the negotiation and boundaries weren't in there at all. Looked at like an example of healthy BDSM (which is, I'd argue, what it's claiming to be), Fifty Shades comes out with a message that sort of says "Yeah, you need all this other stuff, but it's not really that important. You can have fuzzy lines, you can have non-discussed power relationships. It'll be okay." It ends up reading not like a users manual, but an abuser's manual. Which is, as far as I'm concerned, really fucking dangerous.

So, with that out of the way, here's the next few chapters.

Chapter Nine – Safe Calls Are For Suckers and Deep Throating Is Magical

The newly deflowered Ana wakes up in Mr. Grey's bed, gets up, starts to make breakfast, and realizes that she totally forgot she was supposed to text Kate the night before! Oh man! (or, as Ana would say: Crap! I should've done a “crap” count from the beginning, but we're in too deep now). She finds her phone, and sees three new text messages from Kate, wondering where she is and if she's okay. Of course, Kate didn't do anything a regular safe call would have done, like call the fucking cops, because it wasn't exactly pre-negotiated explicitly as a safe call. Luckily, Ana is perfectly okay with all the abusive, manipulative shit that's going down, so she calls Kate back and reassures her that it's all fine.

Mr. Grey wakes up, they have breakfast, and decide to take a bath together. Or, rather, he instructs her to take a bath, tells her what to do at every turn. She has some misgivings about this, but says nothing.

And, this being a raunchy sex novel, sex commences in the bath. No, not the awkward fucking-in-water-is-actually-sort-of-counter-lubricating that happens in real life, not even intercourse (She's sore, so they decide to “work on her oral skills"). Instead, Mr. Grey masturbates her with a washcloth for a while, before stopping (bringing her to the edge of orgasm, as a punishment, neither of which they've talked about yet) and teaching her how to give him a blow job.

Teaching might be a strong word. She, somehow, instantaneously knows how to give a blow job, goes at it with no hesitation (except for that pesky screaming subconscious!), all post-getting-her-genitals-scrubbed-off-with-soap-and-terrycloth. And the best part? He wants to come in her mouth; like a respectful lover would, he's asked her about this at a decent time, when she could totally answer without any pressure or coercion. Pressure like, say, having the cock in questions already down your throat, or something.

PSYCH!

Nope, he asks her seconds before he comes. Asking might be a strong word. He tells her he's going to, and that if she doesn't want him to, she should stop. Because consent isn't something you give, but something you have to take away when things get bad, right? Anastasia, in another display of incredible novice skill, swallows like a champ, not liking the taste, but no minding so much:

“I can feel the warm, salty liquid oozing down my throat. I swallow quickly. Ugh... I'm not sure about this. But one look at him, and I don't care – he's come apart in the bath because of me.”

Hear that, ladies? It's okay when a guy does things you don't like without really asking – as long as it makes him happy!

The remainder of the chapter consists of light bondage (wrists bound with a silk tie) with no negotiation or discussion previous, more instantaneous orgasms from penetration alone, and meeting Mr. Grey's mother.

 Chapter Ten - eat it up, babe.

Mr. Grey's mother is nice to Ana, if a bit weird. Ana and Christian get ready to take her back to Portland, and Christian gets weird and distant. Understandably, Ana wants to call Kate, feeling lost and confused about why Christian is suddenly stand-offish, but nope! Christian thinks she's going to call Jose, gets possessive, and shames her into not making the phone call at all. Alienation and controlling behavior, yay!

Christian and Anastasia drive back to Portland, stopping for lunch on the way. Ordering food, she wants a diet coke, but he insists on wine, doesn't care when she protests, and she gives in and drinks the wine anyway (quick note: they've talked about the contract a little bit, but she's agreed to nothing thus far). Over food, Christian tells Ana about how he got involved in his oh-so-kinky-lifestyle. Seduced when he was fifteen by an older woman, Christian was her submissive for six years.

Because people who want these things never want them in a healthy, measured way, right? Right. You gotta fuck 'em up young.

There's a theme that's persisted throughout the book up until this point that comes up big time in this particular chapter: namely, that Christian tells Ana to eat, constantly, when she doesn't want to or isn't hungry. He tells her with condescension, because it's for her good, yadda yadda. It happens, like, three times over the course of lunch, and she finally gets frustrated (FINALLY! Oh Great Hula Goddess, dare we hope for some clear boundary setting?):

“Is this what our, er... relationship will be like?” I whisper. “You ordering me around?” I can't quite bring myself to look at him.

“Yes,” he murmurs [there's a lot of murmuring in this book]

“I see.”

“And what's more, you'll want me to,” he adds, his voice low.

After this exchange, they talk about it a little, which I guess is sort of a relief? Except that he keeps putting her down, controlling her, being at once dismissive and possessive, and for all this talk of contract and negotiating, they haven't actually done any of it yet.

[this is what I mean when I talk about it as an "abuser's manual." If you talk about negotiation, about boundaries, etc., but don't set any for a while, you put them in a place to be broken if you do. It's a classic red-flag sort of scenario; as in, if a person doesn't respect it when you say "I'm done eating, thanks," it's that much more likely they'll have the same reaction when you say "please stop," or "red."]

He drops her off at home, where Kate peppers her with questions. But, because of the Non-Disclosure Agreement Ana signed (per the “request of my lawyers” Christian tells her), she can't talk about any of it.

“Crap... I have to deal with Kate's persistence and tenacity, and I'm in possession of a signed legal document saying I can't talk. It's not a healthy mix.”

That, Anastasia Steele, is the first smart thing you've said in one hundred and fifty eight pages.

Chapter Eleven – Contracts and Computers

Ana, back in her apartment, finally reads the contract. She has serious with issues with it, and as instructed, makes note of them as she goes. She's conflicted, but in a weird way, this is (sort of) a glimmer of progress. She actually, for once, has a pretty cohesive, non-deprecating, self-examining paragraph:

“Am I submissive? Maybe I come across that way. Maybe I misled in the interview. I'm shy, yes... but submissive? I let Kate bully me – is that the same? And those soft limits, jeez. My mind boggles, but I'm reassured that they are up for discussion.”

Although the questions make some weird and funky assumptions, at least she's asking them.

But we're quickly reminded that Mr. Grey has total and complete control over Ana, because he sends her a brand new computer (because she didn't own one before), complete with e-mail address already set-up. This is a surprise to her:

“Your new e-mail address.”I have an e-mail address?

Are we seriously expected to believe that this young woman lives, works, goes to college, and HAS NEVER HAD AN E-MAIL ADDRESS?

It's cute! And quirky!

Chapter Twelve - Stalkin' it, Real Edward Cullen Style

So, Ana does some thinking, does some research on her new, not-yet-released-in-stores MacBook Pro (he's so connected, that Christian) and flirts via e-mail with Mr. Grey. And then, as a joke, she e-mails him the following:

Okay, I've seen enough.
It was nice to know you. 

Ana

It's meant to be playful, but he has no way of knowing that. Does he e-mail her back? Nope. Come over to talk and clarify? Nope. He shows up standing in her bedroom door (can you tell this started as Twilight Fan Fiction?) and ravishes her, asking the whole time if she thinks it's “nice.”

Which would all be fine, if this were playfully pre-negotiated. He ties her up, to her bed this time, blindfolds her, feeds her white wine with his mouth (what is she, a baby bird?) while she's tied up, and then fucks her (she comes instantly upon entry. No really, actually instantly). She has no safeword, they STILL haven't negotiated any boundaries, and mostly, she says nothing. It's clear from her internal monologue that she's loving it but there is NO WAY FOR HIM TO KNOW THAT FOR SURE.

She sort of tries to stick up for herself, post-coital, but once again, he ignores it:

“God, I'd like to give you a good hiding. You'd feel a lot better, and so would I”
“You can't say things like that... I haven't signed anything yet.”
“I man can dream, Anastasia.”

Yes, he can dream. BUT IT'S REALLY VERY FUCKED UP WHEN HE IGNORES PROTESTATIONS ABOUT HIS BEHAVIOR FROM SOMEONE HE CLAIMS TO WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH. Can you say red-flag two hundred times fast?

I hope they get to some fucking negotiation soon, if only because this is getting really long, and I'd like to at least skim over some parts as non-creepy.

So, he leaves. Just like the first time they parted, she has a weird, sad feeling afterwards. Hello, drop! But she doesn't know what to call it, and instead, tries to figure out why she feels empty, lonely, and sad. Ana nails it, actually, as Kate is comforting her:

“He uses sex as a weapon.”

After she's through being consoled, she e-mails Mr. Grey a long list of issues she has with the contract. This is actually really great – finally, she's speaking up for herself. Of course, he addresses none of it, and instead chastises her for not getting to sleep sooner. Bring up your concerns, huh? Don't you know, despite all the gestures otherwise, that you don't really have a choice in how I treat you? It's really, abusively, grotesque. His final e-mail says, simply:

GO TO BED, ANASTASIA.

Creep.

And now, for the blotters:

Ana's subconscious [pictured above]
"My subconscious has woken. She's staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot.... ARE YOU CRAZY? She's shouting at me." p. 126
"My subconscious scowls at me... Fucking - not lovemaking, she screams at me like a harpy." p. 127
"My subconscious purses her lips and mouths the word 'ho.'" p. 145
"My subconscious glares at me, wagging her long, skinny fingers, then morphs into the scales of justice to remind me he would sue if I disclose too much." p. 159
"No! Screams my subconscious... my inner goddess nods in Zen-like agreement with her." p. 164 [this is how we find out they're actually two different schizophrenic personalities, and not one]
"You can't seriously be considering this... My subconscious sounds sane and national, not her usual snarky self." p. 176

Ana's inner goddess [because it's actually different than her subconscious, we've been informed]
"My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves." p. 137
"My inner goddess has stopped dancing is staring, too, open mouthed and drooling." p. 138
"YES! My inner goddess is thrilled." p. 158
"My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five year old." p. 176
"My inner goddess glows so bright she could light up Portland" p. 191

Worst Sentence Winner! [all the runner-ups ended up in the blotters]:
[just after Ana begins to blow Mr. Grey for the first time]

"He's my very own Christian Grey flavored Popsicle." p. 137

Until next time.